What A Handsome Guy

What A Handsome Guy

Halloween as Spiderman

Halloween as Spiderman
with my big sister, Spidergirl

Turning 2 in St. Maarten

Turning 2 in St. Maarten
Happy Birthday

Addison on the 1's and 2's - Following in Daddy's Footsteps

Addison on the 1's and 2's - Following in Daddy's Footsteps

Addison's First Sledding Adventure - in his bathtub!

Addison's First Sledding Adventure - in his bathtub!

Where's My Hair, Mom?

Where's My Hair, Mom?

Me and My New Bald Head

Me and My New Bald Head

Two Gorgeous Kiddies

Two Gorgeous Kiddies

Me and My Friend Alex

Me and My Friend Alex

Our First Christmas as a Foursome

Our First Christmas as a Foursome

My New Fav Pic of Mommy and Ella

My New Fav Pic of Mommy and Ella

Addison Is Officially Addison Now

Addison Is Officially Addison Now
We finalized his readoption on Mon, Dec 14, 2009

My First Halloween

My First Halloween

Enjoy a little video of our new little guy

Friday, December 25, 2009

Addison's First Christmas

Welp, we had our first Christmas today as a family of four. I was a really nice year with a few different Christmas get togethers, and we'll be leaving to go to NYC on Monday to celebrate with Radames' family and a bunch of our friends.

Ella was way more into the big day than Addison, but I think that's to be expected. She got so much stuff that she went ga ga for, but Addison pretty much tried to eat wrapping paper, walked around in circles tripping on empty boxes, chased the dog and tried to eat our cell phones, as always. He was pretty oblivious to the big day, but it was still a great treat to know that we got to share in his first Christmas....finally. :)

We'll upload more pix soon. Hope you all had great holidays. Happy early New Year. :)

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Re-Adoption is Complete!

So, we had our time with the judge this morning and he made us raise our right hands and swear that it was true that little Addison is now ours. :) He's now officially Addison Miles Tyree-Rodriguez and no longer Eyob Radames Rodriguez, and now he's an internationally born resident of the state of Tennessee. Woo hoo!

The judge was very sweet and made us take pictures with him. We met back in his cheesy conference room that smelled like vanilla and had ugly posters in frames, but he couldn't have been nicer. He said that of all the nonsense he'll hear the rest of the day, he'll go home feeling great about his job because of little Addison. He carried Addison all around the room, spent time just chumming it up with us and was sincerely moved by his story. All in all, it was a smooth process, and our lawyer was competent and everything. :)

We're confused now about all the gazillions of papers we now have to file to get him a US birth certificate, SS card, etc., but one day at a time. We're still just trying to keep our heads above water b/c he's so demanding and exhausting. He couldn't be sweeter, but he's a LOT of work.

One major milestone reached for December 14th, 2009. Little Addison legally became our son according to US law! :) Finally!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Two and half month personal progress report

Hi, friends,

It’s hard to believe, but Addison has been home with us for 2 ½ months already! We’ve been total slackers about sending out updates, because:
· We’ve been focused on bottles, naptime, bedtimes, baths, feedings, shuttling ella around and getting into a routine
· I’ve been back at work for a while, so during my non-work time I just want to be with the kids
· Holy shit! No one warned us that having two kids would be so overwhelming!

So, we thought it was time to say hi to everyone and to let you know how things are going.

· First and foremost, Addison is happy and healthy and a great kid. The poor guy has been poked and prodded so many times and checked for everything imaginable, and he’s 100% healthy and on track, even by US standards. He weighs 23 lbs and is 29” tall (at 13 months).

· Addison is 100% attached to Radames like you wouldn’t believe. Radames just walks around all day with him on his hip, and then Addison screams bloody murder when he puts him down. Ah, good times. [insert sarcasm]. He definitely knows we’re his parents, but he’s so much more connected with Radames, which is understandable since they are together from 6am until 8pm every day. It sounds weird to say, but we don’t even remember that he’s adopted. He’s just our son, and it feels like he’s always been with us. The adoption seems like a foggy memory from SO long ago.

· Radames has turned into a crazy housewife who complains about dishes and me “messing with his routine”. I think he’s losing his mind, b/c he’s being the best, overachieving parent you could ever imagine. The other day, he went to his man-cave in the basement and watched an entire football game. He emerged elated and claiming that he felt like he’d grown a few new hairs on his chest. (Needless to say, we’re working on him giving himself permission to relax and be a man again!)

· Ella is 100% attached to me in a way she never has been before. Thank goodness we can divide and conquer, but she is SO exhausting. Addison has been a really tough transition for her, b/c she’s so jealous of the attention she now has to share. If I kiss Addison, I have to kiss her twice. If he’s on my lap, she wants to be on my lap. When he gets out of his highchair, she wants to sit there, when I put Addison down she wants to sit in the room in the corner in the dark and watch me rock him to sleep (like a creepy horror movie). She’s starting to loosen up a bit, but the first month or two were pretty unbearable, b/c SHE was so needy, not Addison. It’s getting better though.

· We had his 1 year birthday in NYC on October 12th. We were there to see Radames’ family and go to a wedding, so we got to have a quiet celebration with a few cupcakes and hugs with family. [Note to self: don’t ever drive from TN to Brooklyn with two kids in the backseat again!]

· When we were in ny/ct, we got to see a lot of friends and let Addison do a bit of road show. He got to hang out in the burbs of CT, meet all of his extended Brooklyn family, see people who felt like they knew him already through pics, and eat lots of Spanish food. J It was so nice to see everyone; we can’t wait to go back to see everyone we didn’t get to connect with.

· We just had his 3 month (yikes!) check-in with our social worker who has to send reports back to Ethiopia at 3, 6, 9 and 12 months and every year until he’s 18. I think we “passed” our first check-in. It was really funny because we met her at a Cracker Barrel on the side of the road near Knoxville. As we pulled in, I couldn’t help but think, “little did this kid know he’d leave Ethiopia and end up at a Cracker Barrel in Tennessee!” It was a really funny meeting, complete with Radames sucking on some country ham while I tried to spare the official paperwork from getting country gravy on it. :)

· Addison had his first Halloween; he was Robin. Ella was Batgirl, and they were too cute. there’s a good pic of them attached.

· We are finally meeting with an attorney tomorrow who is helping us with the re-adoption process. Addison is a legal, permanent resident, but he’s not officially a US citizen until we “re-adopt” him via the US courts. That way he can get a US birth certificate, SS number, etc. We aren’t looking forward to all the paperwork and drama again, but we’ve been procrastinating long enough and need to get it done. Next thing you know, he’ll be officially Addison Miles Tyree-Rodriguez. (Now, he’s still legally Eyob Radames Rodriguez.)

· Addison took his first steps on Tuesday evening (Nov. 17th). He’s been teetering and standing, but he finally took his first drunk ol’ man steps across Ella’s bedroom floor. And we got it on video, so we’ll hopefully upload that to our blog soon.

So…we’re here. We’re alive. We’re trapped and will never leave the house again after 7pm, but we’re happy to be a family of four. :)

PS. THANKS so much for the visits, calls, cards and gifts! We are SO behind on the thank you cards, but I promise we’ll get them all out soon.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Addison Took His First Steps

On Tuesday, Nov. 17th, 2009 (at 13 mo. + 5 days, I guess it would be), Addison finally migrated from his imbalanced stance into a 3-step, drunken old man stupor across Ella's bedroom. He did it several times, and he's been off to the races ever since. Exciting and scarey all at the same time.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Off to See the Social Worker

So, tomorrow we are headed to Knoxville to meet up with our social worker. It's hard to believe, but it's time for her to write up our 3 month "progress report" that we have to send back to Ethiopia. We have to do one at 3 mo, 6 mo, 9 mo, and then every year until he's 18! And I just can't believe he's already been with us over 2 months and it's time to write up our first one. Where did the time go!?

In many ways it feels like Addison just got here, b/c he's still just such a peanut. But in other ways, I can't ever remember our life without him. He's definitely our son, and, honestly, I rarely even remember or think about the fact that we adopted him. It just feels like he's always been with us. I can barely even remember going to Ethiopia. It feels like such a foggy dream, and I have to remind myself that it really did happen.

We also finally made an appointment with an attorney for the week after next. He'll be helping us do our TN re-adoption. Addison is legally ours, but his adoption isn't official in our home state (e.g. no US birth certificate, SS card, etc. can be issued) until we re-adopt him in TN. I ventured out the county courthouse last week to pick up petition filing paperwork, and needless to say, that was a futile exercise. I can understand why people would go postal. I was ready to "go legal" after 15 minutes of dealing with Betty and her idiotic co-workers who had no clue in hell what I was talking about and how to be of any help. Even after being re-directed to the "new courthouse where all the fancy offices are", I still ran into nothing but roadblocks as the nasty bi-otches at every counter were like, "honey, I have no idear whatch you'ra talkin' 'bout." I lef there thinking, "Why!? Why!? Why, Wynne, did you even come here!? Why would you waste 1 minute of your work day trying to deal with this?" We're excited for our lawyer's meeting is all I'll say. He was referred to us by our pediatrician who has an internationally adopted daughter, and from what I understand he's even done Ethiopian readoptions. Fingers and toes crossed.

Every thing is going well with the fam. Addison had his (belated) 1 yr check-up this week, so we had to hold him down while they drew even more blood from him poor little arm. Ugh. I hate that more than anything. I just want to burst into tears. They also gave him four shots in his chubby little thighs. :( And I'm not a big vaccine fan, but I just sucked it up knowing it was best for him. :( I hope we don't have to go for a long time. It's just so unbearable every time we're there, b/c he's getting 3 different types of HIV tests, 4 types of Hep A, B, and C tests, checking his titers to see what vaccines "took" and which didn't (so we don't over-immunize him), etc. I hate it, because he hates it.

Ella is doing a lot better with him now. She is acting a little less jealous and getting in the groove of him just being her little brother. She was driving us crazy for a while, but things are calming down now. Radames has this place on 100% lock-down. He's running the house like a military camp. 6am up, 6:30 feeding, 9:00am nap, 11:30 up, noon feeding, 3:30 nap, 6pm feeding, 7:30 bath, 7:45 bottle, 8:00 in crib asleep. He does NOT like his schedule being deviated from in any way. And he pretty much won't let anyone do anything for him. He is in "I've-got-this" mode, and I'm clearly the window dressing. I'm pretty much taking care of Ella as much as I can, so he's not too overwhelmed, but every time I try to take care of both of them he freaks out and tells me he's got it.

I actually had to tell him the other day that he needed to lighten up (imagine me telling Radames to lighten up!), because he's being super hard on himself and uber martyr-like about the chid rearing. I've been working a ton these past few weeks since I've been back at work, and his feeling is "you take care of the business; I'll take care of the family b/c that's my job." How could I ever begin to have to have a problem with that, b/c what woman in the world is so lucky, but...jeez, he's gotta give himself some respite. He needs to call a friend, go to a game, go play some music in the DJ room, something...he's turning into a crazy stay-at-home mom who complains that the bottles aren't in order and that Ella is in bed 5 minutes late. And he's actually quite miserable, b/c he isn't getting his fuel. Work is my fuel, b/c I love what I do and I get to do it with friends all day, but music, movies, friends and sports and solitude are his fuel, and he hasn't been getting any of it. And since we live in a place where none of his close friends live, and it's not a walking city, he's cooped up like a crazy housewife from the 'burbs that's going crazy and complaining about how she can't remember things and how she feels alone.

We're working on it. I've been forcing him to leave us alone and let me do my other job (or being a mom!), just so that he'll go in the basement and watch a game or something. We'll get it worked out. He has to just let go after 5pm; and I've gotta push him outta the mix more often.

Oh, totally random, but if I owe any of you a thank-you card for goodies you've mailed us, I'M SO SORRY. I promise it's on it's way. I've just been swamped at work, and traveling, and then spending every spare minute I can with the kids (did i just say "kids"?!), so I've been writing like 1 per week. We've gotten everything, and are SO thankful. Sorry we've been so rude about that. Well, that I've been so rude about that. Radames isn't really the card-writing type. And he totally get a pass on this one. :)

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween Superheroes

So Ella was Batgirl today and Addison was her adorable little sidekick, Robin. We did a little community trick-or-treating, and it was so fun to get them all dressed up for the first time. We'll upload some pix asap. I'm sure we'll take 1,000 more pix tomorrow on Halloween. :)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Yes, we're alive

It's been forever since we've posted, but it's been a function of 1. Holy shit! This two kids thing is NO joke! 2. Ella was on fall break for two weeks, so we went to NYC on "vacation" and 3. I've started back to work and haven't had time to update the blog.

We took Addison swimming for the first time while we were DRIVING up to New York. It was so adorable. I'll try to upload a picture soon. He was so excited...well until I accidentally put his head under water while I was spinning him around in circles and he coughed so badly that he threw up in the pool! Needless to say, we did a casual exit from the pool at that point. :)

Everything is going great, though. Addison turned 1 on the 12th. :) So hard to believe. And Ella is doing a way better job with him and with the fact that he's here to stay. It's just been such a major adjustment for her and we've had to give her lots of TLC.

Radames is being a single dad of two now while I'm at a conference in Vegas this week, so I can only imagine how he's holding up. He's just so amazing, and I'm so fortunate that he's my husband. He holds us all together and never bats a lash. I have no clue how I would be doing this without him these days.

Friday, September 25, 2009

We've Made It Through Another Week

Wow. This new life is demanding. Hats off to people with more than one child! One seems SO easy now. And life pre-kids seems like such a foggy memory. Are we really the parents of two kids? How did all of this grown-up stuff happen? Aren't we still 25?

Ella is settling into a groove and gettig less jealous this week, so that is good, but Addison has had a fever for the last 2-3 days, so our house has been a wreck! He isn't sleeping through the night anymore, so that is messing up Radames and me big time. Yesterday was not a good day at the Tyree-Rodriguez hosehold, to say the least. Ella went on a very long playdate after school, just so that we could catch our breath and not make her have to have a miserable day, too. (Thank you, Polly, for taking care of Ella on Thurs! You have no idea!) Radames ad I took naps in shifts after being up all night, and I pretty much barked at everyone who came within my path. Poor Addison cried almost all day long and couldn't sleep, so Radames took him to the doctor while I took my fat ass to bed...for the good of all mankind. Today we found out he has a urinary tract infection. :( We feel SO bad for him. He got some Septra this afternoon, so hopefully he'll be able to get some more sleep tonight. I don't know if poor Radames could make it if he doesn't, since he volunteered to do last night b/c I did the night before.

Tonight we all got dressed and went to dinner with friends. It was a big deal for us, since we are homebound these days like we are on house arrest. We decided to call friends and ask them to join us, since it was one of the first times we'd all been showered and out on the same day. :) We had a great time. Lots of food and funny stories while the kids entertained one another. It was just so nice to veg out for a little while, let Radames drink and beer and let me gossip with a grown up. We stuffed ourselves silly, then piled in the car to come home and raved about how we had so much fun as we drove home. Then we looked down at the clock and realized it was 7:58!! And our night was over! Gosh, how times have changed! Did we really just have a rockin' night that ended before the time we would even left the house in old days!?

Monday, September 21, 2009

We ARE alive

Sorry it's been so long since we've posted. We are alive. :) But we are in over our heads over here. This two kids things is a whole hell of a lot of work, so we've just been hibernating, doing what's necessary, bonding, satisfying (what feels like 20) kids who want attention and just enjoying the time off of work.

Addison is doing great. He sleeps 11 hours a night, then takes two naps a day... and is completely on Eastern time. He eats like a champion and is just such a smiley, happy-go-lucky kid. He's TOTALLY hooked on Radames, which is just so amazing to see. He grabs Radames' neck when anyone comes around, and he even looks to Radames for approval when he comes to me. It's just so beautiful to see these two adorable guys so connected so soon. Radames walks around with him on his hip all day long like a girl from around the way (insert LL Cool J lyrical flashback). And then at night time, Addison wants nothing to do with me. He just wants Radames to put him down. The other night when I sat and rocked him in the dark like I used to do for Ella, it was so hard to watch him wiggle and worm around twisting his neck to the door, just waiting for Radames to come in...so completely disinterested in me and so in need of his daddy to shhh shhh shhh him to sleep. It's taken me a few days to realize that in this process I can't have an ego. If that's what Addison wants and needs; then that's what Addison is going to get. It would be pretty unfair to make him the slightest bit uncomfortable after everything he's been through so that we could go half-sies on the childrearing so that I don't feel left out. And knowing that I'll be going back to work soon anyway, it probably is best that he's latched onto Radames if he needed to pick one of us to bond with more quickly.

The opposite is going on with Ella. She is in full-on give me my mommy every minute of the day! Overall, she's doing a great job of being sweet and helpful and playful, but she is clearly adjusting and trying to deal with the fact that daddy and (mostly) mommy are giving their attention to someone else, too. She now wants me to wake her up, put her to bed, snuggle with her in bed, read her more stories, take her to karate, come to her snacktime at school, pack her lunch, etc. But, again, if that's what she needs right now, then so be it. It's meant that we are settling (at least for the next week or so) into a Radames-is-primarily-in-charge-of-Addison- while-Wynne-is-primarily-in-charge-of-Ella groove. According to our new family spreadsheet (insert laughter), we try to flip it each day, but by the end of the day, the two little ones end up defaulting back to whom they are digging most right now.

So, all in all, things are going really well. We're trying to get a system down pat and trying to keep our heads above water. Every minute is a bottle, cereal, making baby food, doing dishes, doing laundry, take a work call, Ella's lunch needing to be packed, going to the store for random things, dropping Ella off, picking her up, reading stories, changing diapers, practicing words of the day, going to karate, more laundry, helping Ella perfect her post-#2 wiping skills, and on and on and on. How single women (or men) do this, I have NO idea. It's taking every hour for both Radames and me to do it.

But we wouldn't change it for the world. This is exactly what we wanted, and we would definitely deserve to burn in hell if we even began to complain about anything in our lives at this point. We are so truly blessed in so many ways. I love Radames and Ella and Addison so much, and I just couldn't ask for a sweeter, more comfortable life.

Monday, September 14, 2009

One week and counting

Addison is doing such a great job. He's been with us in TN for a week now, and it feels like he's always been here. He sleeps and eats like a champ, and we're all starting to get into a groove. Sorry we've been quiet, but no news is good news these days. :) Just enjoying our new family and learning to juggle like never before. We did get our photo montage done, though. Enjoy!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Getting Acclimated

Hey, friends and family. Sorry we've been so remiss in posting, but this "new job" is no joke! Boy, do we have a whole new respect for anyone with more than one kid! Our lives have been nothing but wake-ups, bedtimes, feedings, changings, nap times, laundry, bottles, cereal, babyfood, jet lag, and sneaking a shower with regard to Addison and cooking, packing lunches, wake-ups, bedtimes, stories, "homework", karate, participating in the school fund raisers, fending off jealousy urges, and making playdates with regard to Ella. This makes having one child seem like a cake walk! Jeez. This life is no joke!

Yesterday, Radames had a meltdown because I wanted to drive Ella to school and he thought he was driving her and it "threw off his whole morning", to use his words. We ended up having to sit down and create a giant spreadsheet that has every 30 minute interval of the day planned out with who is doing what! We realized that we either need to run this place like a ship or we're gonna sink! There's just so much to do!! How do people do this!?? We're just "learning" basic things like okay-we-must-have-the-diaper-bag-prepacked-at-all-times-because-it's-taking-us-two-hours-to-leave-the-house and the we-must-have-a-bedtime-rotation-schedule-because-we-can't-have-simultaneous-wake-ups-or-put downs. Our whole lives have been flipped upside down. But in an amazingly cute, bit if-I-weren't-married-to-Radames-I'd-have-no-idea-what-I'd-do kind of way. Our body clocks have completed shifted. We accomplish more before 8am than we used to before 8pm! You guys know me...I used to be in bed at 3am and up at 9am. Now i'm in bed by 9pm and awake at 5 or 6am. Ah, what a whole other world. I am one domestic diva these days.

Most importantly, Addison is doing SO well. He's so chipper and easy going. He's completely adjusted to the time difference and is now (like in Ethiopia) down by 8pm and up at 6am. Then he naps from 9-11am and again at around 3:30pm and does it all over again. He really doesn't even cry. He knows the system and just so chill about everything. He's definitely attached to us. When we put him down or give him to someone else, he freaks out, so that's a wonderful thing! He just smiles and babbles and crawls all around the house. He LOVES Brownie and the cats and basically keeps trying to eat them! He's definitely one of the gang. :)

Ella's being a great big sis. She loves with the feeding and diapering and is enjoying with his teacher on any and all matters. She's having a blast at kindergarten and is enjoying telling all of her teachers about her new baby brother from Africa.

More to come. But for now, we're a-okay. :) Thanks for all of your love and support! :)

Sunday, September 6, 2009

The Eagles Have Landed

We made it home! All in one piece...well, in three pieces. :) We landed on Saturday morning at 8:30ish. It was the longest 17 hour flight of our lives, but Addison was a true champ. He didn't cry one time on the plane! He's so easy-going and happy. He just giggles, squeaks like a dog's chew toy, smiles, eats, dumps and sleeps. :) Now that's a life.

When we touched down in DC we were totally elated. And then when we passed through immigration and then customs and walked through the exit doors, we just cried and held each other and couldn't have been more grateful. We took a cab to the Sheraton where our car was parked, took a long-overdue shower, fed Addison and made the 6.5 hr drive home. We almost drove off the road 5 times, bc neither one of us could keep our eyes open, but we did make it home alive. It was the longest 30-hr trip ever! (I don't want to see a plane again for a LONG time!)

We're all crazy jetlagged, but Addison made it all the way until 4am this morning, which is great considering that his biological bedtime is our 1pm until 11pm! Ella is thrilled to have him here and we're just having a relaxing first day together as a new family. The family is coming over today for a welcome home get-together that we were too exhausted to host yesterday, so that should be fun.

We'll update with pics and more details. Ella's waiting for me to send Polly Pocket down her waterslide now...

Friday, September 4, 2009

We're On Our Way Home!

We made it! We passed through all of the embassy appointments yesterday and are now the proud holders of an adorable Ethiopian passport with the cutest mug shot ever! :) And we have his birth certificate that shows that WE are the parents of Eyob Radames Rodriguez aka Addison Miles Tyree-Rodriguez. We couldn't be happier!

We're headed out tonight at 10:15pm Ethiopian time (3pm eastern) and will land in DC at 7am tomorrow. Woo Hoo!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Everything is great!

It's Thursday morning the 3rd, and today is our big appointment day at the embassy. At around 2:30, we'll go there with Addison and all of our paperwork and give an oath that yes, we are Radames and Wynne and that this is little Eyob Radames Rodriguez, and that we promise to take care of him forever. They'll examine all of our crazy paperwork (tax returns, immigration stuff from the US, adoption decree, etc.) and then, hopefully, say, "Congratulations." In some ways it's just a formality, because he's already legally ours, but this is the part where they finalize his passport, travel visa, birth certificates, etc. that allow us to leave the country. If all goes perfectly, they have all the final docs ready for us to pick-up at 4:00pm tomorrow...and our flight back home is at 10:00pm tomorrow night Needless to say, our stomachs are in knots. Bright side is that there is nothing they can do to take him away or stop the process. But they can delay us and make us have to stay here longer and redo things or jump through more hoops. Wish us luck today as we head to the embassy today and ideally spend 5 uneventful minutes giving them what they need so that we are just one day away from heading home!

Our time so far here has been pretty relaxing. After we caught up on sleep, we've felt pretty good. Unfortunately, our sleep pattern is now lights out at 10pm and up and at em at 6am. Which would be nice if we weren't 7 hours ahead! Our bedtimes in the US are now going to be 3pm! And Addison's is at 8pm, which will now be 1pm! Oh, good times. :) But we haven't gotten sick, the altitude isn't bothering us, no stomach "bugs", no dehydration, etc. And, most importantly, Addison is healthy as a horse and eating like a champion.

He's SO cute! He would eat anything you put in front of him, and then he just smiles and coos and shows his 7 teeth from ear to ear. Yes, he has 7 teeth! He's so funny, because he kind of looks like an old man, with a mustache and receding hairline, but then again he looks like a newborn. Radames thinks he kind of looks like Webster. Ha! Developmentally, it's kind of like he's 1 year old and a newborn at the same time. Physically, he's big (about 21 lbs.) and he has lots of hair and teeth, but he doesn't do a lot of the things that a 10.5 month old would do in the US. It's not comparable, of course, because he's been in an orphanage and then in the transition home, and pretty much hanging out in a crib his whole life, but just basic things that you'd expect a kid his size to do, he doesn't do. He doesn't even make an attempt to hold his own bottle, he doesn't really crawl, he doesn't reach his arms up for you to grab him, etc. He just kind of sits there and waits for us to do to him what ever we are going to do. And then he just clings onto our necks with the most amazing death grip. He sort of "climbs" up our chests, almost clawing into us with a very primal baby attaching to mommy way. And he doesn't want to let go. He just wants us to hold him and have his face buried in our chests. It's so sweet, and it's also so sad at the same time, bc it's clearly the first time he's truly attaching. We'll take it though. :) There are WAY worse "issues" to have. He just couldn't be more sweet. We have a lot of developmental stuff to catch up on, but who cares. We are just totally focused on the bonding process at this point, and letting him know that we'll never leave him.

The country itself has been quite fascinating. I'm not sure what we were expecting, but, honestly, the country is so unbelievably poor it's just beyond depressing. We've been to a lot of countries where there is poverty, and to plenty of 3rd world places, but this is like nothing we've ever seen. It's not place where there are "the haves" and the "have nots". Everyone is a "have not", and even the few "haves" live by such a different standard. Honestly, the poverty and dispair is just so striking. Literally, there is nothing. An entire city (and this is "the city", the place where life is way better for most) full of starvation. No industry, very little modernity, no signs of progress, no new construction, no western influence (which doesn't mean "progress" necessarily, but there's no foreign money coming in), no clean water, no food, raw sewage running down the street, unpaved roads that have rocks and pot holes about 3 feet deep, thousands of children (and adults) on the streets begging...and on and on. The diesel fuel from all of the dilapidated cars and busses is nauseating. There are cows and goats and dogs and cats walking around all over town. Roosters crowing, dogs howling, kids begging, plastic tarps attached to four sticks as houses, people lying on the streets as if they are dead...face down, covered in dirt and mud, not moving a muscle. I thought that i had seen a dead person on the first day, and i freaked out as we were driving. And then i saw the next one and the next one and the next one. And i realized, they were just sleeping, i guess. But not in a NYC homeless sort of way, in an i have nothing and i'll collapse right here on this rock sort of way. It's so cliche, and nothing i ever thought i'd say, but it's one giant Save the Children commercial. Where you see the poverty and you think, "there's no way," but it's really true. And you can't turn off the tv, bc you're there.

I wanted so badly to come and see an amazing country full of history and culture and to come back and so full of stories and anecdotes that would debunk our western myths about Africa...or at least Ethiopia. I wanted to be able to tell Addison how amazing his country is/was and how he has so much to be proud of. But we aren't there yet. Maybe once we've had time to process it all and get some distance, we'll have a little more perspective, but for now the tales aren't there. The people are AMAZING. So nice and so gracious and so humble, and everyone has taken amazing care of us. And we have seen a few cool things (yesterday we went to the ethnic museum to understand the history of the country and the people a bit more), but the poverty and hopelessness is just so striking that it's hard to notice the positives. We (well, I) just sit around thinking about how i can overhaul the government and the economy (while Rademes drinks beer and hams it up with the other families). :) What do you do where the gov't controls everything and the leaders live in a giant palace when everyone else starves to death around the gates? What do you do when there's no export...no import...no natural resources...no foreign investment...no commerce...nothing... It's just too much to wrap your head around.

Ugh. Now i'm being debbie downer. The most important thing is that we're happy as can be, Addison is ours, and that we'll be home soon. :) Wish us luck today. We'll keep you posted the next time we can log on.

Ciao! (as the locals say, bc they were under Italian occupation for a while in the '30s and 40s)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

We're Here!

We made it! They let Radames through, and he's not in Dubai right now after all. We met Addison yesterday and could not stop crying. He's such an adorable little munchkin. Within five minutes of meeting us, he just smushed his face into my chest and feel fast asleep on his new "cushions" for half an hour. He hasn't missed a beat since. He's eating like a champion, happy as can be, and is adjusting so well. He's on a hard core schedule, so as long as we keep him on that schedule, he's good to go. He slept from 8:30 to 6:30 last night, just like they said he would. (Only "problem" is that that's our 1:30pm to 11:30pm eastern! Yikes! We're going to have some serious time adjusting to do.)

Radames and I haven't slept in a few days, but who cares. We missed the night's sleep coming here, bc we arrived at midnight eastern, but it was 8am here, so yesterday was an incredibly hard day. But we made it and he's ours! And today is our anniversary (8 years!) and we couldn't dream of being in a more "glamorous" place. :)

We'll update when we can, but we're on dial up, so no pix yet.

Woo hoo! We made it. He's ours. He's beautiful, happy and has 7 teeth!!!! (but he's clearly a baby, though. We were scared he was going to be like 3 years old :), but he's definitely a little peanut.)

Sunday, August 30, 2009

There WILL Be A Dominican in Ethiopia!

It is 8:35AM and this is Radames writing. Yes, after all of the stuff and obstacles that Wynne wrote about me not going to ET in her previous post, I am next to my wife and sitting in the United lounge having coffee as I write this. We had a restless night of sleep because we did not know what to expect this morning. Was I going to get through? If I did, would I get on the plane? Question after question popped in to our heads as we tried to figure out what we were going to do while driving up to Dulles from TN. Due to Wynne not getting any sleep, she got up in the middle of the night and e-mailed our travel agents who had not reached out to us after us trying to get in contact with them all of Saturday. After Wynne's e-mail, she called at around 4:30AM. Wynne told her the situation and she immediately had me ready to jump on another flight from JFK tomorrow night due to the fact that I was going to be there trying to get my passport renewed in one day. We got up at 6AM and we felt pretty good about what was going to happen. Either we were going together or we were going seperately. We were ready for anything.

Our agency director then called and informed Wynne that she had spoken to our in country rep and he told her that he had never heard of such a thing as a 6 month rule regarding passports and visas. He then placed a call to his friend, who by the way is the head of visa officers in the airport, and he told him that as long as a passport is valid, I would be good to go. Great way to start off our trip.

We arrived at the Ethiopian Air counter at about 7:30AM. We calmly hauled our luggage to the first class lane and up to the checkout agent. Wynne smiled and told her how excited we were going to Africa, that this was our first time going, and we were going to pick up our son. The agent calmly looked at our tickets, passports, and other documents. Our luggage was placed on the scale, weighed, and put on the belt. Our tags were being printed and other things were being put in order as Wynne and myself looked at each other waiting for the other shoe to drop as it has happend with everything else in this process. My stomach was in knots as if I was lying to th cops about some illegal activity and Wynne was sweating as though she was being interrogated by Ethiopian authorities. The agent is finishing everything up and she picks up our passports one last time. She looks at mine, turns to me and says, " Have you had your passport renewed?" My stomach drops. The gig is up. I can only imagine what Wynne is going through as she heard this. I say excuse me to her and then she laughs and says,"Oh, it expires in November. I didn't see the year. You're ok." A wave of calmness goes over me as Wynne shows the agent a picture of Addison and she remarks how cute he is. She gives us our stuff and we walk away feeling as though we are walking on cloud nine. Wynne and I look at each other with huge smiles, go through security with a huge relief and realize that we are about to embark on the journey to finally bring home our son.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Saga Continues

We are supposed to leave at 10:15 in the morning, and here it is midnight the night before, and we don't know if we are going to be able to get on the plane. We are still two hours away from DC (we fly out of Dulles), we need to be at the airport at 7am, and we have no idea what tomorrow morning's check-in will entail.

To make a long story short, Radames' passport expires in 3 months and he had NO idea this would be an issue. When we were finally packing up our whole live (in one day!) and getting all of our paperwork completed, copied, organized, etc., I saw his passport and thought, "oh, i feel like i've heard before that passports have to be valid for more than 6 months post-travel to get in some countries." Fast forward to him flipping out, us scavenging on-line for hours, calling and emailing everyone and anyone in this process who is supposed to be helping us (although they aren't!)....and we ended the night with Radames hysterically crying, screaming, rocking himself and beyond consoling. It was indeed true. On the ethiopian embassy site it says the passport has to be valid for 6 extra months beyond travel. No one at our agency or travel agency ever told us this!!!

We spent the night flipping out, me watching Radames cry himself to sleep while i pretended to be okay and saying, "it'll be fine, honey, we'll get there...we're gonna make it...it'll all work out." And then once he fell asleep I lost it. I called and got him an extension appointment in Philly for first thing Tues am, b/c that's the earliest one I could find on the eastern seaboard. I checked every possible flight that could still get him to Addis by Thursday's exit appointment, and there were none on our airline and there definitely none that would get him there if doesn't get a renewed passport until Tuesday afternoon. I just laid there and stewed on whether I should go without him, how we could change our flights, when we could get a passport renewal appt, how we could find a notary in the middle of the night that would notarize official paperwork that allows only one parent to pick up the child (which we can't do b/c those docs have to state authenticated after notarizing, and there's no way we could get them notarize, to nashville and then back to DC by Sunday at 7am!), the horrors of being there without him, him being here without me, us being without Ella for even longer, us missing our embassy appointment, etc. I finally crawled into Ella's bed hoping that the peace of her little snore would lull me to sleep. I think it finally did at around 6am.

At 10:30 we woke up and realized it wasn't a bad dream. We immediately started making calls to the ethiopian airlines ticket counter, scrambling for other flight options, calling the owners of the hotel we're at (asking if it was true and what we should do), frantically trying to get ahold of our travel agent to no avail, trying to get ahold of our adoption agency to no avail, etc. Thank the lord for Meredith who called a passport expediting service in NYC that said if RR would be in NYC at 7:30am with passport, license, new itenerary proving he was leaving within 24 hours, $350 in cash and a $135 check for the passport, they'd give him an extended passport by 5pm on Monday!

So...that's the plan as of now. If they don't let him on the plane (and perhaps even if they will, b/c the issue really isn't with the airlines, it's with the entry/visa process in Ethiopia when we get off the plane where they could say "welcome, now get the hell back on the plane b/c you can't stay"), then he's gonna get a different travel agent to find him a flight that'll leave on Mon night or Tues am from NYC, then take a train from DC to NYC (4 suitcases in tow), sleep in Brooklyn, be in NYC for the 7:30 "appointment", get a new passport, fly out of NYC through Dubai, hang out there for half a day, and then join me in Addis on Wednesday in time for our Thursday exit/embassy/finalize it all appointment!

If this all works out, then it could be fine. There are 100 opportunities for this to not go as planned, but we have to cling onto this for now. All we've got right now are our hopes, a pretty solid plan B, and each other.

Honestly, this is the one of the worst things we've had to deal with. We are furious, sad, confused, exhausted, scared, and did i mention exhausted. It's hard to believe that we should be singing camp songs and lullabies out loud while we make fun in-car video, and we're at a rinky dink gas stop righ now on our way to DC (bc we didn't leave home until 7pm, because we spent 6 hours on the phone today!) and we have no idea what the next week will hold. Ella is in great hands with Ganna and Sara Beth, the biz is in great hands, but this might be one of the most trying things we've ever been through.

We've cried together in the car so much on this trip. Radames was crying before we even left our neighborhood. I think we were doing such a good job holding it all together in front of Ella today that the minute we got in the car to drive away, it all just came pouring out. We've vascilated back and forth between, "it'll be fine" to "what did we do to deserve this?" to "should i just stay with you and we go through dubai together and both hope for Wed arrival?" to "is this really the way we are spending our 8th anniversary (on the 1st) - on opposite sides of the planet rather than hugging our new child together?", and just sniffling and blowing our noses on our shirts, b/c we have no friggin' napkins in the car although we have 8 suitcases full of everything that 3 human beings and dozens of orphans we've brought donations for could ever need!

Honestly, I just DON'T want to go by myself! That's where the tears keep coming from. I DON'T want to be without my rock! I don't want to meet Addison for the first time without him. This was never the pot of gold that was supposed to be at the end of the rainbow. I'm scared. Of being alone. Of being in Ethiopia by myself with four suitcases, a baby who doesn't know me that I'm supposed to be the new mother of, a husband who is missing somewhere in the middle east, no reliable mean of communication, and not to even mention how I tend to get nervous/panicky when I'm in situations where i feel trapped and out of control. I couldn't be any more petrified. I had to say to myself as I fell asleep last night, "Wynne, you CAN do this. You CAN do this alone for a few days! You HAVE to do this. This is not about you. This is about Addison. He needs you. He's waited long enough for you. You can do anything you set your mind to. Put your big girl pants on. Stick your fear in your pocket. Buck up and do what has to get done to get your baby home." I'm still telling myself those things as the tears well up in my eyes and I fantisize about this being a bad dream.

I don't know if we'll be able to post again, b/c RR is going to take my wireless card with him to NYC and he's going to be frantically getting his shit together so that he can leave, but we'll try to keep you posted as much as possible. As of now, it should be fine. I'll get there, he'll get a new passport, then he'll get there, then we'll do our embassy appt we've waited 6 months for, and we'll fly home on Friday night as planned. A week from now, we could be in our bed at home. Or... well, let's not continue to go there.

Thanks everyone who's been there for us! Thank you for your calls and prayers and emails and wishes. We want so badly to be passing along great info so that following our crazy journey isn't the biggest buzzkill ever, but, honestly, nothing about this process has been easy. When will this actually EVER get to be about our adorable new son who will have his arms wrapped around our necks!? When will we ever get to celebrate!? Pray for us that it'll be only 1 more day for me and 2-3 days for Radames :(

Thursday, August 27, 2009

IS THIS REAL!??

Do we really leave in 3 days!? Will we really be spending our anniversary in Africa? (8 years!) Will we really be "picking up" our new son!? This is so surreal. There really are no words.

But, of course, because I can always find words...we leave on Sat to drive to DC. We fly out of DC on Sun am directly to Addis Ababa. By Monday morning we'll be there and will get to "have" Addison that day! We'll be staying at the Ethiopia Guest Home (ethiopiaguesthome.com) which we are really excited about. It was built by two adoptive parents from California, so it's like a beach house in the middle of a city that sits atop a mountain. :) We are supposed to fly back on Friday night and arrive on Sat. We'll then drive home to start our new lives.

Sara Beth is coming to town to stay with Ella and take care of Brownie, and Smarty Pants work is all done! The details are getting wrapped up, the excitement is building and we just have no idea what to expect. It really is surreal!

We haven't even begun to pack bc we've been so busy with work and travel, but today's the big day for that. And, uh, maybe we should buy a bottle of something! Yikes. We're headed off to the dr today to get some altitude sickness medicine and various 'scrips for Addison, just in case. Tomorrow, we're going to see the nicest therapist lady in town who reminds me to breath and focus on what's important. Goodness knows I'm gonna need her to give me some perspective as we embark upon the biggest trip of our lives. Radames keeps reminding me that I have to just go with the flow and do as the Ethiopians do...e.g. expect the unexpected, not have a plan, be prepared for frustration, not think I'll be able to control anything, etc. Ah, that'll be easy. wink.

More to come

Sunday, August 16, 2009

ONLY TWO MORE WEEKS!

Yikes! Are we really leaving in two weeks!? Could it really be true!? Addison is 10 months old now, so it's way overdue...but, wow, is it really here finally??

We finally bought him a few shirts today, so that's a start. But we are no more ready than the man on the moon. Work is as busy as ever, if not busier, so we just haven't been in baby mode at all. And I still have a trip to ATL, NYC and Chicago before we head out to DC on the eve of the 29th. That's not nerve racking at all. [insert excited sarcasm]

Anyhoo....we're trying to keep folks updated by email, too, so if you didn't just get an email from me, let me know and I'll add you to the list.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

A Change of Hotel Plans

So, we had it all worked out to go pick up Addison...perfect flight, perfect (free) hotel suite at the Sheraton, etc. but the CHI people were giving us a really hard time about staying at the Sheraton. First telling us that we would have to provide our own transportation to and from HOH (so what) and then telling us that we can't have Addison with us at all if we stay at the Sheraton...and that we have to pay silly crib, nanny, food, etc. fees to the HOH while we're there, b/c we are "unwiling to pick up our child when we come."

Needless to say, I've spent the whole weekend boiling, b/c I got the bullying email on Friday after work saying that we couldn't have Addison AT ALL, even after our embassy/exit interview when they have no rights to our child whatsoever, because "we were choosing not to pick him up like all the other parents." The language, threats, punitive fees, etc. has had me pissed for the past 36 hours.

Well, after asking several people's opinions and cooling off a bit...lo and behold, we just booked a reservation at Ethiopia Guest House - a place that CHI approves of, hence we get to take our child and not have to pay them and fight with them. They win. Now, instead of the free accommodations, we are shelling out quite a chunk of money to stay at a place where we "get" to share a bathroom with another family. Oh, the joys. But, hey, if that's what they insist on, then so be it. Since our son has been held prisoner for long enough, we might as well do whatever we can to make sure these people have no reason to end up denying us the rights to get him at the final hour.

We still have our Sheraton reservation - and wil probably keep it. But now that we're playing by their new rules, we get to do with Addison whatever we want in-country...well, except sleep and be where we want with our own child that legally became ours on August 5th, that is.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

FINALLY!!! HE'S OURS!

August 5th, 2009, little Eyob X from Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, became our little Addison Miles Tyree-Rodriguez! Woo hoo!!

[Insert so many f- bombs and other explicatives here!]

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Cheesy Midnight Poetry

‘Twas the night before court
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.

Ella’s tucked in,
So are Radames and I.
We all just lay thinking
About our new little guy.

Will he or won’t he,
Get to be ours?
Soon we will know,
It’s just a matter of hours.

We want him so bad,
And this time it feels right.
Just one more set of dreams,
Just one more long night.

The silence is thick,
As we wonder and guess,
Hoping the judge in Ethiopia
Soon would say yes.

She’ll bang her gavel
And say, “It was destined to be!”
Or maybe she won’t.
We’ll just have to see.

We’ve all come so far,
Just a little bit more….
Please just let us all wake up
And be a family of four.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Could Someone PLEASE tell Ella...

...to stop talking into my belly button and saying, "Addison, it's time for you to come out, Buddy!!!???" "You'll be here soon, Addison...", she likes to say as she pats my stomach and sides and backside! Today she was totally cracking me up as she kept tapping on my belly and said, "It's okay, Addison, we're gonna get you outta there soon....it's okay, baby" in the sweetest little sing-song voice ever. :)

I've told her 1,000 times that he's not coming out of my belly, but I think her 5-year-old brain and my not-so-flat stomach beg to differ.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Wish Us Luck on August 5th

The big day is approaching soon. August 5th is our court date, and we are feeling optimistic about it. Ella's school is out that day for a teacher in-service, so we are taking that as a sign tha it will be our designated celebration day. :)

If all go as planned we'll leave the last weekend of August and our embassy/exit appointment is Sept. 3rd. So it looks like we'll be spending our anniversary in Ethiopia. Who would have guessed that eight years ago when we got married!? Life sure is full of crazy twists and turns.

This weekend was my birthday. Yikes! Am I really 37!!? How did that happen? It was nice and low-key, but a great opportunity to reflect. Radames got me a hot stone massage at the local spa, and then we went swimming with Ella and went out to a great dinner, and then washed it down with cookie cake from the Great Americn Cookie Co. My fav! :) And for my presents, the Smarty Pants girls bought me a Flip Video! So exciting! It's exactly what I wanted to take to Ethiopia for all of the video-worthy moments. And Radames and Ella got me an amazing, best-in-class Nikon camera like I'm a photojournalist for National Geographic! Again, totally for Ethiopia and the great moments in our lives that are already here and will be more to come. I can't wait to lug that giant zoom lens around the planet. :)

Net, net: my life rocks! I'm so very fortunate to have an amazing hubby and daughter...and at the end of the day, we have everything we could ever want. We REALLY want to add little Addison to our lives, though. We REALLY hope he gets to make it here. He's the perfect final piece to our funny family puzzle. Wish us luck on the 5th!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

STILL Waiting

Earlier this week when I was out in LA, we got yet another email from our agency that said that: "I spoke with our Ethiopia rep today regarding your adoption case and the judge has issued a new court date for your case to be heard and approved. The new court date is August 5th. That would give you a visa appointment date of September 3rd. I know that this is very discouraging but since the MOWA is out, all adoption cases had to be rescheduled until after their return, if documentation was still needed from the MOWA in order for an adoption to be approved."

My immediate thought was to reply with a "WHATEVER! Just give us our baby already!"...accompanied by some sort of electronic middle finger. Needless to say, I didn't do that. But I sure wanted to. I know it has nothing to do with our agency, but the on-going delays, drama, emails re: futher postponements, etc. is just so beyond frustrating and ridiculous. Our hearts have become so bitter about the whole process that, honestly, nothing is going to make that go away until we have landed in Addis Ababa and have him in our arms. Or better yet, when we are airborn on the return flight. It just feels so hopeless and like a cruel trick at this point.

On a happier note, b/c we can't dwell on what we can't control...I discovered Little Ethiopia while in LA. I ate a huge Ethiopian lunch by myself in the nicest restaurant there and got to ham it up with the owners about making the trek. The food was AMAZING! I was so surprised. I wasn't expecting to like it, but I couldn't stop eating. I had the vegetarian lunch buffet AND the meat sampler entree. All of was delicious. It was kind of like great Indian food - spicy and so full of flavor, minus the curry. I got "reprimanded" for eating with a fork and told to get ready to just eat with my hands. I loved the injera (like Indian nan - a sourdough flatbread with little bubbles in it like a sponge - almost looks like when a crepe started to bubble on one side while you cook it). The injera serves at the "bowl" for almost everything, so it was hard to not keep eating. Bread is my friend. :) I also bought a little Amharic phrasebook in a gift shop, along with a kiddy DVD that is Amharic with English sub-titles.

So, today was learn Amharic day in our house. We had such a fun time letting Ella teach us Amharic, b/c of course SHE had to be in charge of all translations (even though she can't even read English!). Radames enjoyed laughing at my Southern botchery of unfamiliar vowel sounds. And we all listened along as two giraffe taught each other life lessons in a completely unintelligible language on our new DVD. Ella kept saying, "Tonight for my bedtime story, let me read you a book in Addison's language...I'll teach you." Then she forced me to listen to her say, "Okay, mommy, now how do you say shirt?" Then I'd say, "i don't know." She'd make up a word and say, "It's na-wah!" (like I wasn't supposed to know that and like that was really the word for shirt). Then she'd say, "now how do you say pillow?"...don't know..."it's pa-wah!" then cat was sha-wah. (Lather. Rinse. Repeat until you want to put a bullet in your head and/or can't stop laughing at her. :)

She's heading back for her second week of kindergarten this week. She loves it, and all she can talk about is the cafeteria. She's completely obsessed with the cafeteria. It's all she think about. She keeps begging us to let her have breakfast there like all the other "lucky" kids who get to eat a biscuit and jelly before the bell rings. I shit you not. No matter what question we ask her about school, the answer is always related to the cafeteria and how they have chicken nuggets AND chocolate milk AND applesource there... AND you get to pick your own food. She just can't wrap her head around it. So adorable. :)

Hopefully we'll have some adoption news soon. Thanks for all of your continued support and sweet wishes for us. This kid better get here already! :)

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Some Great News!

So today we got a call from our agency that included the following info (and some reminders of things we already knew):
- The investigation is over
- Everything was found to be free and clear
- The courts are agressively putting all of our cases back on the docket as soon as possible
- WE WERE GIVEN A NEW COURT DATE OF JULY 20TH!! Yes, 2009. :)

The Ministry of Women's Affairs that has to prep a letter for the courts, but is unfortunately on a post-investigation training break until the 24th of July. The courts have asked them to get the letter done anyway so that we can complete our case on the 20th!

If our case is heard on the 20th as planned, we can have an Embassy appointment date of either August 6th or more likely August 20th, which means we'd leave around the 15th of August! Woo hoo!

Just let this all be true...and let it all come together. It would be great to bring Addison home before his 16th birthday already! :)

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Ridiculous Saga Continues

Well, here we are...two years and almost four months into the process and still no Addison. Just the most ridiculous run-around ever. Today we were told that the ban has been officially lifted and that the courts will now give out new court dates. We are supposed to hear about our new court date tomorrow. That's great news. My brain tells me that we are supposed to be excited, but my heart just can't muster the energy. Mainly because we also got word today that the Ministry of Women's Affairs in Ethiopia (that handles all of the pre- and post-court paperwork related to adoptions) will now be closed for two weeks while they do a post-investigation/new protocol training. So, basically nothing can happen even if there were a new court date. They are supposed to be done with their training on the 24th of July, but the courts close soon after that for the rainy season, so the odds that we'll get a court date any time soon (that actually happens) is slim to none. It's just so frustrating and exhausting, and it's hard to not just become cold-hearted about the whole thing. The process has just been so disheartening and so beyond insane that there's just really nothing to say. Hence the time since we've blogged last. Sorry about that. The details are just so stupid that who cares. Just give us our damn kid already.

When we step back and look at the big picture, it really is beyond insane. There are about 4 million orphans in Ethiopia, most of whom are orphaned because their parents are either dead or dying or there is literally not enough food to feed them. And here we are 7,000+ miles away, amazing, happy people who want nothing more than to bring one of those orphans into our lives and love him to death... and spend our lives trying to fill the void that we can't imagine he must feel and will always know. And then there's a government that is understaffed, disorganized, and not necessarily excited about international adoption as an alternative for their country that first didn't hear our case, then put a ban on our case along with hundreds of others, then conducted an investigation, then completed the investigation, then announced that there was no foul play, then said our agency would hear soon...day after day after day after day!...and then said come back tomorrow once again and maybe we'll tell you what we'll do, and then decided to shut down their paperwork agency for two weeks, then decided to go on rainy season vacation, etc. etc. etc. while thousands of kids sit in orphanages and in transition homes while their prospective parents thousands of miles away cry themselves to sleep every night, night after night, angry and bitter and confused and sad one minute, hopeful the next. It's torture - on both ends. And no matter how much we rationalize it or try not to rationalize it...no matter how optimistic we try to be, it doesn't change the fact that Addison is being held prisoner along with thousands of other babies caught up in this nonsense while families sit and wait for "the call" to come in any minute, week after week after week. It's just too much. Too long. Too incredible. Was it Lord Byron who said the truth is stranger than fiction? So true. No one could even make this up.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

New Pix

Today we got two new pictures of Addison. OMG!!!! He is SO friggin' adorable I can't stand it! We almost didn't recognize him because he is so grown. He's 8 1/2 months old now and 19 1/2 lbs. They're definitely feeding him over there. We can't wait to show the pix! You'll die. He's such a little munchin. I wanna eat him!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

No Foul Play

According to our program director who is in Addis Ababa now, the investigation is over and there was no foul play. That's great news! We are supposed to hear some time this week how they will handle our case, so hopefully we'll be back on the docket soon. That would be great, since it's been 6 weeks of ridiculousness at this point.

We've been doing well though. Summer is keeping us busy and distracted and Radames' "let it work itself out" mantra has effectively rubbed off on me as we try to soak out every minute of summer with Ella before she starts school in less than a month! Yikes!

Hope you like the new blog skin. Here's a new pic of Addison's nursery, too.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Investigation is Over

Well, the good news is that the Ethiopian investigation is officially now over. The bad news is that the powers that be haven't formally announced the results or their decision on what will happen next. We all assume that will happen in the next week or so, though, b/c the agencies have decided to go to the courts and officially request a lift on the ban even if there is no official announcement in the next few days. All in all, that's great news, b/c it means that there's progress. And progress is our friend these days. :)

We've also been reading rumors that the courts will stay open through Aug and Sept rather than closing down for the rainy season, which is usually what happens each year on Aug 1. That would be awesome, b/c it would mean that we'd have a better chance of getting our rescheduled case heard, if (fingers crossed) we get put back on the docket soon. Everyone cross your fingers and toes for us that we'll hear good news soon and that we'll get a new court date!

We've been doing pretty well these days, all said and done. We've been busy with work, tee-ball and tae kwon do, summer parties/get togethers with Ella's little freinds, traveling, bringing in new biz, etc. As sick and twisted as it sounds, it's getting easier each day, b/c we are getting more and more removed from it. It was such a blow at first, but now we're just chugging along and living life and enjoying summer and confident that it will happen, just not on the schedule we planned for. Ella starts school in a month, so maybe it's a blessing that we are just getting to eak out her last month of "freedom" with her. Goodness knows our whole lives are getting ready to change because of that, so maybe it's supposed to be that Addison's not here yet. Just trying to be optimistic.

Oh, and how could i forget!? Addison turned 8 months old today. :) Wish we could have spent it with him. :) But...the riper the berry, the sweeter the juice...and I don't mean that in a sexual way. HA!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

What a week! But at least we're in NYC!

Ah, what a week. Another emotianally-charged, beyond-exhausting week. Today marks the 4th week that we got word that our court case was delayed, and, unfortunately, there's still no resolution. We did hear today from our program director that our in-country rep heard directly from the courts today (while he was there with other cases) that the investigation had been completed. But when asked what was discovered, he was told "go find out for yourself." Lovely. They didn't give him any answers as to when the cases would be put on the docket or what their decision moving forward would be. But the good news is that the investigation appears to be over. Things are progressing along well. The bad news is that we still have no idea what that means in general or for us. It's also bad news that we saw on an info blog today that the orphanage Addison is from is one of the five that are still under investigation and/or are still waiting. Again, lovely (insert sarcastic tone here). We have no idea if that's actually true, b/c the blogosphere is a giant cluster-f-ck of bad and half information, but it still didn't feel so great.

Honestly, it's just been such an emotionally draining week on the adoption front. The main reason was that our adoption counselor, whom we love dearly, was fired. (PS. That has nothing to do with Addison or our actual adoption.) Radames and I were devastated. And pissed off! The fact that we and other families are going through so much right now, and then to rip the one person we had a strong, supportive relationship with away from us at the most inopportune time ever was so infuriating. I honestly almost threw up when Radames told. And he, being mr. calm and cool throughout this whole process, was livid. He just kept yelling, "this is so f--ed up...I'm totally writing a letter of complaint about the woman who fired her...how dare they...why are we all being punishd because she was too close to us..." Let's just say Wed night was not a good night. Our confidence level in the whole process was at 0%! And logically we know that her leaving will have no impact on us bringing our son home, but emotionally it had a huge impact. And it was just one more thing that just felt so damn screwed up about this whole process. I just kept saying to Radames, "I'm totally starting IVF again as soon as we get home. I could have had three babies by this point! Nothing could be worse than this." And I meant it.

It's still so hard to believe that Toni's gone, but today was a bit better, thanks to Meredith talking me off the ledge. (Thanks, Mer!) I totally wanted to email our agency and just blast the shit out of them. But I knew that wouldn't do any good. Honestly, I could care less if I ever hear from any of them again at this point. Just some one tell us when we can go pick up our damn son! It's so beyond ridiculous at this point. I could really care less about their updates and niceties at this point. Everytime we start to heal a bit, they come along and rub some salt in our wounds, so why engage.

Okay, so I'll stop being bitter now. (Well, at least "out loud" on our blog.) The good thing that has happened this week is: we are spending the week together as a family in NYC. It's so nice to be back here. We are hanging out with old friends, having great lunches and dinners and getting to do fun things. I'm still working like a dog, which has meant like 4 hours of sleep every night, but I'm doing everything I can to cram some social life in around the work hours. We just desperately needed to get out of TN and get back here. Not that there's anything wrong with TN, of course, but it's just good to sit around and have dinner chat with our ny friends that we never have to watch our tongues with, understand the same jokes, make fun of the same things, chat about work life, etc. It's so emotionally relaxing to us to get face time with people we only get to connect with electronically these days. Ella's had a blast seeing her "Brooklyn friends" and cousins and we've loved being in the city.

And we've loved seeing brown faces. (Those of you who know us well know what we mean.) It's just important for us (and Ella!) to not live in a bubble, especially at this time in our lives. Today Ella got her hair braided by Jordan's nanny, which for some strange reason, made me really happy. She's gotten to be around all of her Dominican cousins and hear her grandma speak Spanish all week. And tonight we were at Mike and Heather's house and I was holding their youngest son, Phoenix, who is about 3 weeks younger than Addison, and it was just nice to have him in my arms. He's so adorable, and, personally, I just needed to smell a baby and see big brown eyes staring up at me. For a minute, I got to have hope again. And I got to see Ella playing with Ryan (their 3-year-old) again and it just felt right. It's important...for reasons that I don't need to explain.

Tonight, Radames is still out DJ'ing with Mike, and I couldn't be happier. He needs to be at a club at 2:00am. I know this city gives him his fuel, and I love to see him happy and "at home". Yesterday, we walked by a hat store on the lower east side, and it turned out that my friend Monika from Nickelodeon that we were meeting for dinner was friends with the owners, and next thing you know, Radames was trying on crazy handmade fedoras that only he could pull off. He told the guy to custom make him one made out of some...well, basically a burlap sack type of material. He gave the guy $300 and told him to text him when it was done. If it weren't this week, I would have been like, "what the hell are you doing?", but, honestly, if the stupid hat cost $1000 I would have been happy to have him buy it. These are the quirky NYC things that make him happy. And he deserves a dumb hat for so so many reasons.

Tomorrow we are taking Ella to see Pinkalious the play (based on the book). She and her cousin Noemi are so doggone excited. I know it'll be fun. And then we're doing a Belmont party out on Long Island. Radames will have SO much fun with "his boys" there. I love seeing him with them. Ella and I will probably leave to go see other friends that live on LI, but I'm looking forward to another fun day as a family.

I know it'll get better. It has to. Goodness knows there's no where to go but up on this roller coaster. I was brave enough to look at Addison's video and pic again tonight when I was showing them to Heather. It had been a while since I'd looked at them. Mostly out of need to preserve my own sanity and to start to disconnect a bit...just in case. It was nice to "see" him again. :) I really hope he gets to be ours after all. I want to believe he was meant to be ours and that there's a reason for all of this.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

A Really Nice Weekend

I'm happy to report that we had a really great weekend as a family. Given where we've been, I was really worried about this long weekend. I was worried about not working and how we'd feel having to occupy ourselves for 3-4 days. Terrance's family was away and there were no baseball or t-ball games or karate, so I was pretty scared. And because most of our friends are still in NY/CT/NJ, our social life in TN is pretty...well, shall we say, "under-developed". :) In the midst of all of this adoption drama, the quiet time that we used to enjoy is not exactly our friend anymore.

So, on Friday I resolved that I was not going to let this continue to drag me down. Knowing that it's out of our hands, I really just have to let it go and work itself out in the time that it needs to be worked out. I decided that I was going to just grab life by the horns and soak every second of togetherness I could out of the time we have left before Ella starts school. She'll be starting a year-round school on July 14th (YIKES!), and I'm determined to not look back and wonder why I wasted May and June stewing about the unknown rather than reveling in our last summer as a pre-real-school family. And this could be our last summer with her as an only child, so I am determined to make the most of it.

So, poor Radames has been busier than ever as we've had the most action-packed weekend ever. On Friday night we went to see Angels and Demons while Ella played Legos with Ganna. On Saturday morning we went to our first party at Chuck E Cheese. Good times. (insert sarcasm.) The party was at 10am on a Saturday morning, which is definitely an asleep time for our family. Radames was desperate for his morning coffee. Instead, we were eating pizza and chicken wings and watching Ella eat bday cake when she should have been eating oatmeal. (PS. The food there sucks!) The place was pretty dead, b/c everyone was away for the weekend, but I can see why that place is a parent's nightmare. When Chuck E (sp?) came out, all the kids started to scream bloody murder, and I could not help but wonder why one guy from another party kept wandering around searching the machines for extra tickets. Jeez. Are you that desperate for a plastic snake or glittery bouncy ball!? Ella and all of her little friends had a wonderful time though. She thought it was the biggest deal ever. She got to ride a fake horse, dance in front of a green screen, play air hockey, squirt water through a clown's mouth, and ride a chair lifting "ride". It was worth every second.

When we left Radames insisted we go to IHOP for breakfast! He refused to eat at CEC, so he'd been starving for like 3 hours. After a stack of pancakes, we came home to take a well-deserved, carb-induced nap. The other kids in the neighborhood were going to "the club" (short for the country club) to go swimming. Jealous and bewildered, Ella sat in the driveway and cried and asked why her mommy and daddy won't take her to "the club"...at which point I knew it was nap time.

After our naps, we went to a funny Battle of the Pigs event at the local state fairgrounds. Ah, the redneck eye-candy. So many people to make fun of, so little time. :) By the time we got there the "pig" (aka the barbeque) part was over, but Ella got to jump on those dirty blow up "houses" and slides for hours, so she couldn't have been any happier (or more covered in sweat). I watched as the lower-class parents either smoked a cigarette next to their kids or shared a Mt. Dew with them while the upper-class parents over-affirmed their children with "great slide", "ooh, good one", "that's great, honey" every time their kid went down the friggin' slide. Radames tried "hot boiled peanuts" for the first time, which we learned was code word for deep-fried, scalding-hot, soggy, soft peanuts in a plastic bag that shoot hot oil into your mouth when you try to "crunch" through the shell into the mushy peanuts. (He stunk like grease for like 6 hours!) We sat and listened to a cover band in an ampitheatre, Ella and Radames danced to the old song, My Girl, and Radames got to chat it up with some fellow little league coaches that he bumped into there. And Ella got a balloon princess made by a clown that I'm pretty sure I saw on an episode of Law and Order SVU. She thought it was the greatest thing ever.

We then went to eat some sushi at our favorite upscale get-away in town. Ella performed her typical there's-no-music-playing-but-i-think-i-see-a-space-i-could-turn-into-a-dancefloor dance for all of the couples on romantic dates and then she hammed it up with her friend the sushi chef. (Yes, our child is the 5-year-old mayor of our town. Or she's a genius who realizes she can use her cuteness to get free imitation crab sticks.) The sushi chef came over and asked Radames and me if we wanted to come over to his house to come swimming with Ella some time. Ella screamed out "yes!" and Radames and I sat and tried to figure out what the guy was saying as he tried to give us directions to his house in his broken english. Only us! We then made our way to a Red Box and decided to rent the movie W. We ended the night rolling our eyes at our former president and thanking the stars for Obama. (Sorry, GOP friends. We still love you.)

Sunday we read the Times and decided we'd take a Sunday drive to Roan Mountain after our friend who was supposed to take us on a boat ride told us that rain was in store. We packed up our day-trip bags and headed for what turned out to be yet one more stop on our white trash weekend train ride. :) We wound up a mountain for like an hour, not knowing what we were looking for...only to discover...a mountain. Yep, there you go, my friends. What a surprise. A mountain. Complete with a playground, a campground, some hiking trails, a gift shop and a public pool. A state park for all the delapodated trailors we saw as we drove up the mountain. Not sure what we were expecting, but that's about it. We had a Subway sandwich and chips picnic with ourselves and commenced to paying our $4 entry fee to the pool. Ella had the time of her life, and I enjoyed watching her and Radames play fight in the water. The surroundings were actually really beautiful. It was a place where the clouds literally touch the tops of the mountains and it's hard to see where the mountains end and the sky begins. I needed the symbolism.

We then drove back to town and went to see the Hannah Montana movie together. Okay, confession: I totally loved. Ella and I danced in our aisle together. (There were only three other people in the theatre, so who cares.) We had a great time. And double confession: Radames was totally laughing the whole time and diggin' it, too. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

Radames was up until like 3am on Sun night getting his "set" ready for a dj-ing gig he had at the local elementary school on Monday morning at 8am! Yes indeed, I'm married to the DJ of the Woodland Elementary 2009 Field Day. Step off, ladies. He was running on fumes as he lugged his vinyl records to his dj booth (aka a tent on the playground). He must have played the cha cha slide like 50 times for the kids who kept requesting completely inappropriate songs like Boom Boom Pow Pow that their 22-year-old moms and dads evidently listen to with them at night. He watched as the teachers shook their groove things to 80's classics like 8-6-7-5-3-0-9. I was busy being an anthropologist and scopin' out ella's upcoming schoolmates...and making nice with the principal...who knows me only as "the dj's wife." That cracks me up. I think they all think that we live off of Radames' dj-ing money (mind you he's never charged anyone a penny. he just does it because he loves music).

Ella also had her preschool "placement test" on Monday while we were at the school. I think she passed with flying colors, but what do I know. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry when the reading teacher/test administrator was asking her to name body parts that she pointed to, draw a square and show her how to hold a pencil. (Don't you learn these things when you're like 3?) Let go, Wynne!

We ended the night with a trip back up a different mountain to go to bbq at the lake. Some local friends who have a lake house invited us out for Mem Day. Radames got to drink a few beers, make man chat (in other words tell exaggerated stories), watch crunchy college kids smoke weed and pitch bean bags into a hole in a wooden box while I got to play nice with the overly-tanned cougars that were on the holiday prowl. It was really fun to get away though. We finished up the night with a trip to Fun Expedition - the local indoor family amusement park. Ella met up with her friend Myles there and we got to ride bumper cards and play a $1 version of Let's Make a Deal enough times to win enough points to "buy" Ella some Floam. Good times!

The real end to the night was the three of us celebrating Radames' birthday in the basement. Yep, Rico is the big 3-9 now! I can't even believe that! There's no way he could be 39! He got an awesome Diaper Dude bag from his sister, along with some really cute stuff for him and Addison (like a t-shirt for him that says Big Guy and an identical one for Addison that says Little Guy). His mom bought him socks and underwear like all good mothers should. :) Ella and I got him a Mets onesie and bib for Addison, some t-shirts and the Big City Sliders grill. You know, that thing from the infomercial that lets you make 5 mini-burgers at a time! He'll never use it, but he swears he'll be able to replicate a White Castle with it. :) It was a wonderful birthday. In classic Radames spirit he just kept saying, "I don't want anything. All I want is right here. Nothing else matters." And he really means it. He is such an amazing human being. Thank you, ma Rodriguez, for pushing him out 39 years ago! The world is such a better place because he's here.

Today was Ella's graduation from pre-school. It was held in Pigeon Forge, also known as the Hillbilly Riviera. The Vegas of the South. We went to Wonder Works museum, which was a really cool hands-on "museum" and then we went to Mr. Gatti's, which is another Chuck E Cheese / Fun Expedition place. Ella had an amazing time with all of her friends, and we won so many tickets (with Ganna!) that Ella was able to get a mock Dr. Suess hat, a pink recorder, two plastic rings, a pink cowboy hat with a tiara on it and butterfly sticker! Now that, my friends, is the high life. :) She was ecstatic, though. We got to hang out for hours together and just have a good ol' time. And then we rented a seedy hotel room so we could use their pool! Yep, we got the $40 hotel room that came complete with relaxing pool with a cool water slide and mushroom waterfall... and a room to shower off the chlorine. We spent all afternoon there watching some toothless people make-out (no joking!) and catching ella as she went down the slide like 5,000 times! We went to a nice dinner and drove back home. It was a great day. Maybe we weren't supposed to be in Ethiopia this week for a reason. :)

Friday, May 22, 2009

Feeling Better

The past couple of days have been better. Thank goodness. I think it was a combination of: 1) the skeletons-in-the-closet, but quite cathartic blog posting that I finally brought myself to do a few days ago, 2) the fact that Ella's birthday was yesterday and it was impossible to not be smitten with her all day, 3) a good conf call our agency had with us on Wed about hanging tight and staying optimistic, 4) a rumor that yesterday the court ban was lifted on one of the orphanages which means progress is being made, 5) officially cancelling our air and hotel reservations this week which was devastating at the time but also cleansing to a certain degree bc being in limbo is worse than just cancelling and rebooking, and 6) the fact that a sunny long weekend is in store.

Ella's birthday was amazing, and we are so proud of her. She's such an amazing little girl, now 5, and now complete with one missing tooth! We had a full-scale blowout for her on Sunday and then yesterday (her real b-day), we went to her school where we pretended to be parents of the year by reading to the class (well, actually Ella read while she sat on my lap and Radames played photographer), organizing a treasure hunt for gold coins that you would have thought were real, setting up a sack race, and bringing in cupcakes. It was s lot of fun. She also lost her tooth during lunch. Either she ate it or I ate it as I polished off her school chicken patty. Yikes! It was no where to be found after her plate was clean!

On Monday, she has her "placement test" for kindergarten. That's code word around these parts for checking to see how much of an idiot your kid is so that all the bobos don't get placed with the same teacher who wants to kill herself before the year is over. They want to evenly distribute the geniuses and problem children. :) Hopefully, Ella will be part of the former group.

On the adoption front, we have no real news. It's officially been two weeks now, and all we know is that the investigation (not into our specific cases) is still going on, they are anticipating it won't drag out for "that long", and that all we have to do is hang tight and let it be. That's been hard for me, as you know, but Radames is doing pretty well these days. He's rubbing off on me now, though. I'm getting to be more at peace with the situation...and hopefully we'll just look back one day and say, "oh yeah, remember that little blip in the process we had that time..." The reality is that there's nothing I can do and we'll get him when he's ready. I've gotta stop thinking about the coulda, woulda, shoulda, and just enjoy all the blessings that are right under my nose.

Thank you, again, everyone for all of your sweet wishes and email and cards. You have NO idea how much they've meant as we've waded through our darkest hours. We love you guys!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Opening Pandora's Box

Well, where do I begin? I guess the first place is with our sincerest thanks to all of you who have emailed, called, sent cards, and just been there for us over the past 12 days. On the 8th when we got the news that our case wouldn't be heard until further notice b/c of questions of corruption, we were devastated. So many of you reached out to us with positive vibes, prayers, and wishes. Honestly, we just can't thank all of you enough for being there for us, even from thousands of miles away. I haven't had the energy or words to respond to all of you, because, quite frankly, I've been totally self-absorbed, depressed and wordless. I'm sorry for that.

I'm also sorry that neither of us has blogged. Again, there's just been nothing to say. I haven't had the energy to type, and I haven't been able to figure out what value it would be to share where we are, emotionally. At the time we started the blog, we were excited to bring people into our "adventure", because we knew it would have a happy ending..and who wouldn't want to be a part of that? But the past 12 days have been less than an adventure. And I've wondered...who would want to read about a cancer growing? Who would want to read about a car crash happening in slow motion? Who would want to be dragged down by our depression? So, we've just been quiet.

The quietness hasn't been good for me, though. And I think I need to write to just let some of it pour out. At first I didn't want to write because I didn't want to drag any of you down. Now I think I need to, because I desperately need to let some things out. I've been trying to "protect" our blog so that Addison can one day inherit it as part of his life story...of how we waited for him, how we felt along the way. And I realize now that all this pain that we are feeling is just as much a part of his life story as the fun of packing up cute little Brooklyn t-shirts into our travel bags. And I'm also realizing that trying to pretend to be strong is pretty self destructive. For every tear that I fight back, it's another hour that I can't fall asleep at night. For every paragraph that I write in my head but am too proud to share with myself or Addison or even Radames, the more I want the morning to turn into night so I never have to get out of bed.

Honestly, things just haven't been good around here. Saturday the 9th was probably one of the longest days of my life. I can barely remember how I spent the day, but I know it was a combination of staring at the clock and wanting to slam it against the wall because the second hand wasn't moving fast enough to make it turn into Sunday. I remember just staring at Radames a lot and, without words, just knowing that I knew what he felt and that he knew what I felt. I remember being in the shower and wanting to just sit down and let the water wash the sadness off of my skin. But I couldn't, because I didn't want Ella to come in...and I didn't want Radames to think I was weak or impatient.

And then Sunday rolled around, and it was Mother's Day. Ella and Radames woke me up with flowers and...honestly, it's just a blur. I know that I was chipper in front of Ella and so thankful that she is in our lives. I didn't want her to know I was sad and mad and confused and resentful and a wreck. She kept saying, "It's a beautiful day outside, Mommy," and it was. When I finally walked outside and felt the sun beating down, I picked her up and held her and said, "Addison's going to come home right, honey?"...so weak that I needed the comforting of a 4-year-old...and she said, "Yes, he is, mommy, he'll be here soon" as she patted her little hand against my back like a mother would her child. I wept in her ear like a baby as she looked at me bewildered and said, "Can we go to Daniel's (her cousin) now?" She had no idea what was going on, and she still doesn't, but her 10 seconds of reassurance meant the world to me.

I felt like I needed to be alone so I told Radames and Ella I'd meet them at Daniel's. I went for a ride on my scooter and waited for the 50-mile-an-hour winds to blow the sadness off of me. I drove around to I-don't-know-where, just watching the minutes tick by on the little clock on my Vespa, with tears dripping down my face as I could barely see the road. It felt good, though, because no one could see me...and after an hour or so, I went and celebrated Mother's Day with my mom and Terrance's family and mine. We had fun for a while, and I thought it would be fine, but as all the hooplah of the evening wound down, I found myself alone with my mind...haunting me as I lay there listening to Radames' breathe, searching for answers, wishing so badly that i could turn my mind off and go to sleep.

I decided on Monday that work would be the perfect solution. If I'd just stay busy the days would pass faster, and if i'd run from my emotions well enough, they wouldn't find me. So Monday I decided that I would not think about the unknown, and that i would just throw myself into work. It did help. Monday was busy and I did pretty well. But then the night came again. Damnit. The fucking night. When no phones are ringing, when no emails are coming in, when everyone is asleep but me...as I sit and ask myself 1,000 different ways...what does it mean when Toni (our counselor at CHI) says "hang tight"? what if he isn't abandoned? what if he was sold? what if he was stolen? how must his mom feel? is his case under investigation? why are we being punished for things that have nothing to do with his case? when will someone call us? when will we know something? when will the courts address the issue? why can't they issue a timeframe? why won't they tell us what's next? how long should we wait? is he really meant to be our son? maybe it's not meant to be? maybe it is meant to be? maybe we should fly there and show the courts how nice we are and how much we want him? why can't we have babies the old fashion way? why aren't i thankful that we have ella? why am i wasting energy trying to solve the unsolvable? why am i stealing any minute that i could be enjoying life with ella and radames thinking about a child that we really don't even know yet? why can't i fall asleep? why is my mind playing tricks on me? why aren't those breathing exercises working? maybe if radames would just put his hand on my back i'd be able to fall asleep...and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Until i wonder what separates me from the psychos in the nut house... until i wonder how edgar allen poe and i must be related because the goddamn heartbeat under the floor won't stop fucking haunting me.

Pandora's Box Part 2

...I spent Tuesday and Wednesday with Joanna and Sara Beth here, and it really helped. Joanna and I got to talk about work and I got to flex the intellectual side of my brain again. Sara Beth was here to help me plan Ella's 5th birthday gala that I insisted on having before all of this happened, b/c I didn't want that event to not happen because we were busy prepping for our departure. The company was great, and having women around was just the perfect touch. Radames and I are about as connected as two human beings can be, but his brain just works differently than mine, and men just feel things differently than women. Just having the gentle voices around and being able to "dump" without having to edit or worry if i was stressing him out even more was really helpful. I got to be distracted, and those three days went by pretty quickly.

By the time Thursday rolled around, Radames and I went to see a therapist. We originally had it on the books so I could get some "let go and not try to control things" advice as we got ready to ship off to the other side of the planet, not knowing the language, not being able to influence the courts, and being stuck on a plane for 15 hours at a time (my claustrophic nightmare). It turned out that we needed her for a very different reason. We walked in and started to make chit chat about details...and i got more and more fired up as i talked...and shit came pouring out. She interrupted me and said, "Wynne, i'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that you just have a good old fashion cry and give yourself permission to do that while you let radames hold you." My retort was, of course, "no...that's stupid...i'm not a baby...crying isn't going to get us anywhere... i'm not a victim...tears aren't going to solve anything...i don't even want to be touched." and then i just started ranting and raving about how mad i am and how unfair this whole thing is and how fucked up it is that a kid with no parents in a nation with little food can't come be loved by us...after everything we've done...after everything we've created...after all the dues we've paid...after 9 years of trying to get pregnant...after a miscarriage...and 2+ years of waiting on this adoption to come through...after plane tickets are booked, nursery is ready, bags are packed...and goddamnit...what did we do to deserve this!!?? And i just ranted about how much i can't stand Radames right now because he's made peace with God about this...and how i resent his coolness under pressure and how i resent our agency for not emailing us more often to tell us what the hell is going on...and how everyone on this planet can kiss my fat ass, because this f-ing sucks! and it's unfair. and addison doesn't deserve it...and we don't deserve it...and the planet shouldn't work like this...an innocent child and the perfect parents should be able to be together without 15 agencies and invisible procedures getting in the way of someone living out their life in a crib and us feeling unrequited love towards a kid we don't even know. She patiently listened and then told me that my brain was never going to fix something that was really an emotional problem. That what i really needed to do was to let myself feel what i was feeling and to stop trying to make my brain fix it. She validated that the situation is messed up and that there are no answers, and potentially no solution...which meant a lot, but encouraged me to let Radames be there for me and to remember why we are married (b/c we are so perfectly different) and to give myself permission to mourn, to cry, and to stop fighting the inevitable. I hated her by the time we left. But she was right. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can say. There's no proposal or petition I can write. There's no logic that will solve the puzzle. It's a torturous waiting game, and i can either let it consume me or can i keep on living my life and treasure what i've got and be grateful for when that expands, if it does. That's where i'm trying to go. But i'm not there.

Pandora's Box Part 3

...last night my nightamares woke me up again. The details are too graphic, but suffice it to say I was too scared to go back to sleep. I dont' know if it's because Ella's bday bash is over and I don't know what the next milestone I can throw myself into is (hence i'm starting to stew on the adoption again), or that our bags are packed and I just had to call and cancel our flights today, or if it was the frustration at our agency for not updating us on a call they had on Monday about the issue (after they told us they would and we are waiting for any morsel of news)...or if it's the sugar from the left-over birthday cake that i keep trying to drown my sorrows in that kept me up all night. But last night I lay there all night until the birds started to chirp, the sun started to come up, and the clocked rolled around to 7. It was the worst night i'd had so far. where I sat and comtemplated all night: how long do we wait? what if he's never going to be adoptable? should we wait another week? month? year? when do we ask for another referral? will people judge us for that? aren't we supposed to hold out for him? but how long do we? and what if the hold-out just ends up with us never getting him and then we have to ask for another referral anyway? do we end up just waiting longer? and that's what I stewed on for hours and hours and hours. And, to a certain degree, I'm still stewing on it.

Radames told me last week that we'd wait for 45 days. He decided that was the number, and that if the courts hadn't moved, hadn't made any announcement, hadn't given us any timeframes or prospects of when we'd know anything, that we'd ask for another Addison, as f-ed up as that is to say and think about. Well, I deferred to him and said yes, let's wait the 45 days. But, I'm having trouble doing it. I just keep wondering: are we stupid? is the writing on the wall? are we just delaying the inevitable? will we just be 45 more days behind? and will we miss getting a kid in '09 if we wait b/c the courts close for the rainy season in a few months? OMG will we have to redo our fingerprints and deal with NVC and the drama of the missing paperwork again if we drag this out past oct when it expires again? Compound that with: how emotionally connected are we to who we think is Addison? why are we so connected? he's not really ours, is he? is the next addison not a legitimate orphan too? does he deserve a home any less than who we've matched with? what will happen with Addison if we give up on him and get a different kid instead? wouldn't he be adopted by another loving family if he becomes adoptable? And there, my friends, you have a recipe for mental torture like no guerilla terrorist can impose. And you have a recipe for wanting to beat the shit out of the 17-year-old trailor trash that you see in the Toys R Us chatting about her pregnancy with friends over a cigarette.

The answer is that there are no answers. No scenario is good. No scenario is the "magic solution." So then we just weigh the options, like switching lanes in traffic, hoping the other lane moves faster, but then realizing you're an ass for not just staying in the lane you were in to start with. That's how i feel. Like one road may be slower, but it will result in a son...while the other road could move fast, or it could move slow, or it could just entirely dead end and you realize you have to go back and drive down the other road anyway. The latter is starting to feel less and less appealing as I miss sleep, start give up hope (on the courts, not Addison), and consult with Radames and friends.

Today, we got to the point, out of personal desparation, that I called our agency and asked about the ramifications of getting a new referral. Toni acted surprised that we'd be at this point and said she has every hope that Addison will be ours soon, and that "the courts are just proving a point" (that they won't tolerate "irregularities"). She and the program's director seem to think this will be over soon and that they will go to court to petition for the 10 families' cases to be heard. But they can't petition yet, b/c the courts won't allow them to...and that it's only been 11 days...and that if we "give up" our referral and request another one, Addison would be assigned to someone else and then be adopted by them when his case is heard, she suspects. She said she really didn't know, because nothing like this has ever happened before, and that she had to talk to her boss about it. And then I got an email inviting us to a group conf call for the 10 families tomorrow so they can talk to us about what's next. I'm really glad they are doing that, b/c we all really need it. Maybe tomorrow I'll be more level-headed, but we'll probably be right back where we've been. In indefinite pergatory, rotting, stewing, second guessing.

So, there you have it. Meat and potatoes: several non-abandoned kids being put before the courts as abandoned kids, the courts saying hold up we've gotta get to the bottom of this, our agency assuring us that those issues have nothing to do with our kids who are all legit, us having no idea when the courts will finish their investigation and re-schedule our cases, no idea of any timeframes or milestones, and us...well, me...being a basket case along the way. I wish I had more to say. I wish I had more upbeat news.

I will just say, though, that i know i have the best friends and husband and most amazing daughter on the planet. And that we are dealing with a top-rate agency that has a great relationship with the courts and is doing what they realistically can to be our advocates in a less-than-ideal situation. And I know that my over-analyzing things is not productive in any way. Every day I'm working on reminding myself of all of those things. And today I realized (thanks, MF) that I really need to focus on my own emotional and physical well-being and not what others may think or say. I probably need to avoid the co-miserating with the other 9 families on line, per Radames' request 10 days ago! :) And i need to stop wondering about the external ramifications about doing what is best for our family. And i need to not be so paranoid about sharing. By the way, if you are a Smarty Pants client friend, have no fear. You have no idea how great of a job I'll be doing on your business. Intellectual challenges are my best friends these days. :) Ha! See.

Thanks again, everyone, for all of the support and wishes. We love you and can't wait to pass along some better news.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
Lilypie Waiting to adopt Ticker
Lilypie Waiting to adopt Ticker