Is It Over Yet?

Today was the first day I've woken up in years that as soon as I opened my eyes I just wanted the day to be done. I wanted nothing more than to fall back asleep and never wake up. Radames and I looked at each other and knew...and the pit in the bottom of my stomach and the tears that wanted to roll out of my eyes were still there. Still so exceptionally heartbroken and confused and zombie-like. So dispassionate about the day and life and so full of questions. Why didn't the pain go away in our sleep last night like we were sure it would?! Damnit, why do we still feel like this? Why is all of this happening? Maybe it's what's right? Maybe Addison really isn't abandoned? Maybe the courts know something we don't? Maybe we'll get a call on Tuesday that the case is back on? Maybe it's not supposed to ever be back on? What IS his backstory? Why would his mother have abandoned him? Why didn't she relingquish home so they know her identity and he can still be adopted? What happens if we wait for months? Do we get matched with another kid? Would he still be our little Addison? Why are we so attached to a kid that's a million miles away and we've never even met? Why was he chosen for us? Why are we being so selfish? Why did another load of Restoration Hardware and Pottery Barn boxes just arrive at our doorstep...just to rub salt on our wounds? Why are we not focused on Ella right? How must the other families who don't have an Ella feel right now? How quickly could we fly there and just kidnap him? What's the worst they could do to us? If we went to jail would it just feel like what Addison is destinited to feel like anyway? Was his mother bribed? Was she scared of being identified because she shamefully had him out of wedlock? What if, heaven forbid, he was taken from her? Will we ever know? Why are ours brains going there? Shouldn't we just relax and have faith that the local courts know what their doing? Why do I insist on solving everything? Why is my heart still so broken even after I've been fed and had my nap and been changed? Maybe I'm the one who needs to be adopted!? Maybe this is because we need to experience loss so that we can know how Addison felt when he was separated from his mom and how he'll feel when he has to leave all his friends and family at House of Hope? What are we going to do? Damnit! Make the pain go away!!!!