A Really Nice Weekend

I'm happy to report that we had a really great weekend as a family. Given where we've been, I was really worried about this long weekend. I was worried about not working and how we'd feel having to occupy ourselves for 3-4 days. Terrance's family was away and there were no baseball or t-ball games or karate, so I was pretty scared. And because most of our friends are still in NY/CT/NJ, our social life in TN is pretty...well, shall we say, "under-developed". :) In the midst of all of this adoption drama, the quiet time that we used to enjoy is not exactly our friend anymore.

So, on Friday I resolved that I was not going to let this continue to drag me down. Knowing that it's out of our hands, I really just have to let it go and work itself out in the time that it needs to be worked out. I decided that I was going to just grab life by the horns and soak every second of togetherness I could out of the time we have left before Ella starts school. She'll be starting a year-round school on July 14th (YIKES!), and I'm determined to not look back and wonder why I wasted May and June stewing about the unknown rather than reveling in our last summer as a pre-real-school family. And this could be our last summer with her as an only child, so I am determined to make the most of it.

So, poor Radames has been busier than ever as we've had the most action-packed weekend ever. On Friday night we went to see Angels and Demons while Ella played Legos with Ganna. On Saturday morning we went to our first party at Chuck E Cheese. Good times. (insert sarcasm.) The party was at 10am on a Saturday morning, which is definitely an asleep time for our family. Radames was desperate for his morning coffee. Instead, we were eating pizza and chicken wings and watching Ella eat bday cake when she should have been eating oatmeal. (PS. The food there sucks!) The place was pretty dead, b/c everyone was away for the weekend, but I can see why that place is a parent's nightmare. When Chuck E (sp?) came out, all the kids started to scream bloody murder, and I could not help but wonder why one guy from another party kept wandering around searching the machines for extra tickets. Jeez. Are you that desperate for a plastic snake or glittery bouncy ball!? Ella and all of her little friends had a wonderful time though. She thought it was the biggest deal ever. She got to ride a fake horse, dance in front of a green screen, play air hockey, squirt water through a clown's mouth, and ride a chair lifting "ride". It was worth every second.

When we left Radames insisted we go to IHOP for breakfast! He refused to eat at CEC, so he'd been starving for like 3 hours. After a stack of pancakes, we came home to take a well-deserved, carb-induced nap. The other kids in the neighborhood were going to "the club" (short for the country club) to go swimming. Jealous and bewildered, Ella sat in the driveway and cried and asked why her mommy and daddy won't take her to "the club"...at which point I knew it was nap time.

After our naps, we went to a funny Battle of the Pigs event at the local state fairgrounds. Ah, the redneck eye-candy. So many people to make fun of, so little time. :) By the time we got there the "pig" (aka the barbeque) part was over, but Ella got to jump on those dirty blow up "houses" and slides for hours, so she couldn't have been any happier (or more covered in sweat). I watched as the lower-class parents either smoked a cigarette next to their kids or shared a Mt. Dew with them while the upper-class parents over-affirmed their children with "great slide", "ooh, good one", "that's great, honey" every time their kid went down the friggin' slide. Radames tried "hot boiled peanuts" for the first time, which we learned was code word for deep-fried, scalding-hot, soggy, soft peanuts in a plastic bag that shoot hot oil into your mouth when you try to "crunch" through the shell into the mushy peanuts. (He stunk like grease for like 6 hours!) We sat and listened to a cover band in an ampitheatre, Ella and Radames danced to the old song, My Girl, and Radames got to chat it up with some fellow little league coaches that he bumped into there. And Ella got a balloon princess made by a clown that I'm pretty sure I saw on an episode of Law and Order SVU. She thought it was the greatest thing ever.

We then went to eat some sushi at our favorite upscale get-away in town. Ella performed her typical there's-no-music-playing-but-i-think-i-see-a-space-i-could-turn-into-a-dancefloor dance for all of the couples on romantic dates and then she hammed it up with her friend the sushi chef. (Yes, our child is the 5-year-old mayor of our town. Or she's a genius who realizes she can use her cuteness to get free imitation crab sticks.) The sushi chef came over and asked Radames and me if we wanted to come over to his house to come swimming with Ella some time. Ella screamed out "yes!" and Radames and I sat and tried to figure out what the guy was saying as he tried to give us directions to his house in his broken english. Only us! We then made our way to a Red Box and decided to rent the movie W. We ended the night rolling our eyes at our former president and thanking the stars for Obama. (Sorry, GOP friends. We still love you.)

Sunday we read the Times and decided we'd take a Sunday drive to Roan Mountain after our friend who was supposed to take us on a boat ride told us that rain was in store. We packed up our day-trip bags and headed for what turned out to be yet one more stop on our white trash weekend train ride. :) We wound up a mountain for like an hour, not knowing what we were looking for...only to discover...a mountain. Yep, there you go, my friends. What a surprise. A mountain. Complete with a playground, a campground, some hiking trails, a gift shop and a public pool. A state park for all the delapodated trailors we saw as we drove up the mountain. Not sure what we were expecting, but that's about it. We had a Subway sandwich and chips picnic with ourselves and commenced to paying our $4 entry fee to the pool. Ella had the time of her life, and I enjoyed watching her and Radames play fight in the water. The surroundings were actually really beautiful. It was a place where the clouds literally touch the tops of the mountains and it's hard to see where the mountains end and the sky begins. I needed the symbolism.

We then drove back to town and went to see the Hannah Montana movie together. Okay, confession: I totally loved. Ella and I danced in our aisle together. (There were only three other people in the theatre, so who cares.) We had a great time. And double confession: Radames was totally laughing the whole time and diggin' it, too. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

Radames was up until like 3am on Sun night getting his "set" ready for a dj-ing gig he had at the local elementary school on Monday morning at 8am! Yes indeed, I'm married to the DJ of the Woodland Elementary 2009 Field Day. Step off, ladies. He was running on fumes as he lugged his vinyl records to his dj booth (aka a tent on the playground). He must have played the cha cha slide like 50 times for the kids who kept requesting completely inappropriate songs like Boom Boom Pow Pow that their 22-year-old moms and dads evidently listen to with them at night. He watched as the teachers shook their groove things to 80's classics like 8-6-7-5-3-0-9. I was busy being an anthropologist and scopin' out ella's upcoming schoolmates...and making nice with the principal...who knows me only as "the dj's wife." That cracks me up. I think they all think that we live off of Radames' dj-ing money (mind you he's never charged anyone a penny. he just does it because he loves music).

Ella also had her preschool "placement test" on Monday while we were at the school. I think she passed with flying colors, but what do I know. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry when the reading teacher/test administrator was asking her to name body parts that she pointed to, draw a square and show her how to hold a pencil. (Don't you learn these things when you're like 3?) Let go, Wynne!

We ended the night with a trip back up a different mountain to go to bbq at the lake. Some local friends who have a lake house invited us out for Mem Day. Radames got to drink a few beers, make man chat (in other words tell exaggerated stories), watch crunchy college kids smoke weed and pitch bean bags into a hole in a wooden box while I got to play nice with the overly-tanned cougars that were on the holiday prowl. It was really fun to get away though. We finished up the night with a trip to Fun Expedition - the local indoor family amusement park. Ella met up with her friend Myles there and we got to ride bumper cards and play a $1 version of Let's Make a Deal enough times to win enough points to "buy" Ella some Floam. Good times!

The real end to the night was the three of us celebrating Radames' birthday in the basement. Yep, Rico is the big 3-9 now! I can't even believe that! There's no way he could be 39! He got an awesome Diaper Dude bag from his sister, along with some really cute stuff for him and Addison (like a t-shirt for him that says Big Guy and an identical one for Addison that says Little Guy). His mom bought him socks and underwear like all good mothers should. :) Ella and I got him a Mets onesie and bib for Addison, some t-shirts and the Big City Sliders grill. You know, that thing from the infomercial that lets you make 5 mini-burgers at a time! He'll never use it, but he swears he'll be able to replicate a White Castle with it. :) It was a wonderful birthday. In classic Radames spirit he just kept saying, "I don't want anything. All I want is right here. Nothing else matters." And he really means it. He is such an amazing human being. Thank you, ma Rodriguez, for pushing him out 39 years ago! The world is such a better place because he's here.

Today was Ella's graduation from pre-school. It was held in Pigeon Forge, also known as the Hillbilly Riviera. The Vegas of the South. We went to Wonder Works museum, which was a really cool hands-on "museum" and then we went to Mr. Gatti's, which is another Chuck E Cheese / Fun Expedition place. Ella had an amazing time with all of her friends, and we won so many tickets (with Ganna!) that Ella was able to get a mock Dr. Suess hat, a pink recorder, two plastic rings, a pink cowboy hat with a tiara on it and butterfly sticker! Now that, my friends, is the high life. :) She was ecstatic, though. We got to hang out for hours together and just have a good ol' time. And then we rented a seedy hotel room so we could use their pool! Yep, we got the $40 hotel room that came complete with relaxing pool with a cool water slide and mushroom waterfall... and a room to shower off the chlorine. We spent all afternoon there watching some toothless people make-out (no joking!) and catching ella as she went down the slide like 5,000 times! We went to a nice dinner and drove back home. It was a great day. Maybe we weren't supposed to be in Ethiopia this week for a reason. :)

Feeling Better

The past couple of days have been better. Thank goodness. I think it was a combination of: 1) the skeletons-in-the-closet, but quite cathartic blog posting that I finally brought myself to do a few days ago, 2) the fact that Ella's birthday was yesterday and it was impossible to not be smitten with her all day, 3) a good conf call our agency had with us on Wed about hanging tight and staying optimistic, 4) a rumor that yesterday the court ban was lifted on one of the orphanages which means progress is being made, 5) officially cancelling our air and hotel reservations this week which was devastating at the time but also cleansing to a certain degree bc being in limbo is worse than just cancelling and rebooking, and 6) the fact that a sunny long weekend is in store.

Ella's birthday was amazing, and we are so proud of her. She's such an amazing little girl, now 5, and now complete with one missing tooth! We had a full-scale blowout for her on Sunday and then yesterday (her real b-day), we went to her school where we pretended to be parents of the year by reading to the class (well, actually Ella read while she sat on my lap and Radames played photographer), organizing a treasure hunt for gold coins that you would have thought were real, setting up a sack race, and bringing in cupcakes. It was s lot of fun. She also lost her tooth during lunch. Either she ate it or I ate it as I polished off her school chicken patty. Yikes! It was no where to be found after her plate was clean!

On Monday, she has her "placement test" for kindergarten. That's code word around these parts for checking to see how much of an idiot your kid is so that all the bobos don't get placed with the same teacher who wants to kill herself before the year is over. They want to evenly distribute the geniuses and problem children. :) Hopefully, Ella will be part of the former group.

On the adoption front, we have no real news. It's officially been two weeks now, and all we know is that the investigation (not into our specific cases) is still going on, they are anticipating it won't drag out for "that long", and that all we have to do is hang tight and let it be. That's been hard for me, as you know, but Radames is doing pretty well these days. He's rubbing off on me now, though. I'm getting to be more at peace with the situation...and hopefully we'll just look back one day and say, "oh yeah, remember that little blip in the process we had that time..." The reality is that there's nothing I can do and we'll get him when he's ready. I've gotta stop thinking about the coulda, woulda, shoulda, and just enjoy all the blessings that are right under my nose.

Thank you, again, everyone for all of your sweet wishes and email and cards. You have NO idea how much they've meant as we've waded through our darkest hours. We love you guys!

Opening Pandora's Box

Well, where do I begin? I guess the first place is with our sincerest thanks to all of you who have emailed, called, sent cards, and just been there for us over the past 12 days. On the 8th when we got the news that our case wouldn't be heard until further notice b/c of questions of corruption, we were devastated. So many of you reached out to us with positive vibes, prayers, and wishes. Honestly, we just can't thank all of you enough for being there for us, even from thousands of miles away. I haven't had the energy or words to respond to all of you, because, quite frankly, I've been totally self-absorbed, depressed and wordless. I'm sorry for that.

I'm also sorry that neither of us has blogged. Again, there's just been nothing to say. I haven't had the energy to type, and I haven't been able to figure out what value it would be to share where we are, emotionally. At the time we started the blog, we were excited to bring people into our "adventure", because we knew it would have a happy ending..and who wouldn't want to be a part of that? But the past 12 days have been less than an adventure. And I've wondered...who would want to read about a cancer growing? Who would want to read about a car crash happening in slow motion? Who would want to be dragged down by our depression? So, we've just been quiet.

The quietness hasn't been good for me, though. And I think I need to write to just let some of it pour out. At first I didn't want to write because I didn't want to drag any of you down. Now I think I need to, because I desperately need to let some things out. I've been trying to "protect" our blog so that Addison can one day inherit it as part of his life story...of how we waited for him, how we felt along the way. And I realize now that all this pain that we are feeling is just as much a part of his life story as the fun of packing up cute little Brooklyn t-shirts into our travel bags. And I'm also realizing that trying to pretend to be strong is pretty self destructive. For every tear that I fight back, it's another hour that I can't fall asleep at night. For every paragraph that I write in my head but am too proud to share with myself or Addison or even Radames, the more I want the morning to turn into night so I never have to get out of bed.

Honestly, things just haven't been good around here. Saturday the 9th was probably one of the longest days of my life. I can barely remember how I spent the day, but I know it was a combination of staring at the clock and wanting to slam it against the wall because the second hand wasn't moving fast enough to make it turn into Sunday. I remember just staring at Radames a lot and, without words, just knowing that I knew what he felt and that he knew what I felt. I remember being in the shower and wanting to just sit down and let the water wash the sadness off of my skin. But I couldn't, because I didn't want Ella to come in...and I didn't want Radames to think I was weak or impatient.

And then Sunday rolled around, and it was Mother's Day. Ella and Radames woke me up with flowers and...honestly, it's just a blur. I know that I was chipper in front of Ella and so thankful that she is in our lives. I didn't want her to know I was sad and mad and confused and resentful and a wreck. She kept saying, "It's a beautiful day outside, Mommy," and it was. When I finally walked outside and felt the sun beating down, I picked her up and held her and said, "Addison's going to come home right, honey?"...so weak that I needed the comforting of a 4-year-old...and she said, "Yes, he is, mommy, he'll be here soon" as she patted her little hand against my back like a mother would her child. I wept in her ear like a baby as she looked at me bewildered and said, "Can we go to Daniel's (her cousin) now?" She had no idea what was going on, and she still doesn't, but her 10 seconds of reassurance meant the world to me.

I felt like I needed to be alone so I told Radames and Ella I'd meet them at Daniel's. I went for a ride on my scooter and waited for the 50-mile-an-hour winds to blow the sadness off of me. I drove around to I-don't-know-where, just watching the minutes tick by on the little clock on my Vespa, with tears dripping down my face as I could barely see the road. It felt good, though, because no one could see me...and after an hour or so, I went and celebrated Mother's Day with my mom and Terrance's family and mine. We had fun for a while, and I thought it would be fine, but as all the hooplah of the evening wound down, I found myself alone with my mind...haunting me as I lay there listening to Radames' breathe, searching for answers, wishing so badly that i could turn my mind off and go to sleep.

I decided on Monday that work would be the perfect solution. If I'd just stay busy the days would pass faster, and if i'd run from my emotions well enough, they wouldn't find me. So Monday I decided that I would not think about the unknown, and that i would just throw myself into work. It did help. Monday was busy and I did pretty well. But then the night came again. Damnit. The fucking night. When no phones are ringing, when no emails are coming in, when everyone is asleep but me...as I sit and ask myself 1,000 different ways...what does it mean when Toni (our counselor at CHI) says "hang tight"? what if he isn't abandoned? what if he was sold? what if he was stolen? how must his mom feel? is his case under investigation? why are we being punished for things that have nothing to do with his case? when will someone call us? when will we know something? when will the courts address the issue? why can't they issue a timeframe? why won't they tell us what's next? how long should we wait? is he really meant to be our son? maybe it's not meant to be? maybe it is meant to be? maybe we should fly there and show the courts how nice we are and how much we want him? why can't we have babies the old fashion way? why aren't i thankful that we have ella? why am i wasting energy trying to solve the unsolvable? why am i stealing any minute that i could be enjoying life with ella and radames thinking about a child that we really don't even know yet? why can't i fall asleep? why is my mind playing tricks on me? why aren't those breathing exercises working? maybe if radames would just put his hand on my back i'd be able to fall asleep...and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Until i wonder what separates me from the psychos in the nut house... until i wonder how edgar allen poe and i must be related because the goddamn heartbeat under the floor won't stop fucking haunting me.

Pandora's Box Part 2

...I spent Tuesday and Wednesday with Joanna and Sara Beth here, and it really helped. Joanna and I got to talk about work and I got to flex the intellectual side of my brain again. Sara Beth was here to help me plan Ella's 5th birthday gala that I insisted on having before all of this happened, b/c I didn't want that event to not happen because we were busy prepping for our departure. The company was great, and having women around was just the perfect touch. Radames and I are about as connected as two human beings can be, but his brain just works differently than mine, and men just feel things differently than women. Just having the gentle voices around and being able to "dump" without having to edit or worry if i was stressing him out even more was really helpful. I got to be distracted, and those three days went by pretty quickly.

By the time Thursday rolled around, Radames and I went to see a therapist. We originally had it on the books so I could get some "let go and not try to control things" advice as we got ready to ship off to the other side of the planet, not knowing the language, not being able to influence the courts, and being stuck on a plane for 15 hours at a time (my claustrophic nightmare). It turned out that we needed her for a very different reason. We walked in and started to make chit chat about details...and i got more and more fired up as i talked...and shit came pouring out. She interrupted me and said, "Wynne, i'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that you just have a good old fashion cry and give yourself permission to do that while you let radames hold you." My retort was, of course, "no...that's stupid...i'm not a baby...crying isn't going to get us anywhere... i'm not a victim...tears aren't going to solve anything...i don't even want to be touched." and then i just started ranting and raving about how mad i am and how unfair this whole thing is and how fucked up it is that a kid with no parents in a nation with little food can't come be loved by us...after everything we've done...after everything we've created...after all the dues we've paid...after 9 years of trying to get pregnant...after a miscarriage...and 2+ years of waiting on this adoption to come through...after plane tickets are booked, nursery is ready, bags are packed...and goddamnit...what did we do to deserve this!!?? And i just ranted about how much i can't stand Radames right now because he's made peace with God about this...and how i resent his coolness under pressure and how i resent our agency for not emailing us more often to tell us what the hell is going on...and how everyone on this planet can kiss my fat ass, because this f-ing sucks! and it's unfair. and addison doesn't deserve it...and we don't deserve it...and the planet shouldn't work like this...an innocent child and the perfect parents should be able to be together without 15 agencies and invisible procedures getting in the way of someone living out their life in a crib and us feeling unrequited love towards a kid we don't even know. She patiently listened and then told me that my brain was never going to fix something that was really an emotional problem. That what i really needed to do was to let myself feel what i was feeling and to stop trying to make my brain fix it. She validated that the situation is messed up and that there are no answers, and potentially no solution...which meant a lot, but encouraged me to let Radames be there for me and to remember why we are married (b/c we are so perfectly different) and to give myself permission to mourn, to cry, and to stop fighting the inevitable. I hated her by the time we left. But she was right. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can say. There's no proposal or petition I can write. There's no logic that will solve the puzzle. It's a torturous waiting game, and i can either let it consume me or can i keep on living my life and treasure what i've got and be grateful for when that expands, if it does. That's where i'm trying to go. But i'm not there.

Pandora's Box Part 3

...last night my nightamares woke me up again. The details are too graphic, but suffice it to say I was too scared to go back to sleep. I dont' know if it's because Ella's bday bash is over and I don't know what the next milestone I can throw myself into is (hence i'm starting to stew on the adoption again), or that our bags are packed and I just had to call and cancel our flights today, or if it was the frustration at our agency for not updating us on a call they had on Monday about the issue (after they told us they would and we are waiting for any morsel of news)...or if it's the sugar from the left-over birthday cake that i keep trying to drown my sorrows in that kept me up all night. But last night I lay there all night until the birds started to chirp, the sun started to come up, and the clocked rolled around to 7. It was the worst night i'd had so far. where I sat and comtemplated all night: how long do we wait? what if he's never going to be adoptable? should we wait another week? month? year? when do we ask for another referral? will people judge us for that? aren't we supposed to hold out for him? but how long do we? and what if the hold-out just ends up with us never getting him and then we have to ask for another referral anyway? do we end up just waiting longer? and that's what I stewed on for hours and hours and hours. And, to a certain degree, I'm still stewing on it.

Radames told me last week that we'd wait for 45 days. He decided that was the number, and that if the courts hadn't moved, hadn't made any announcement, hadn't given us any timeframes or prospects of when we'd know anything, that we'd ask for another Addison, as f-ed up as that is to say and think about. Well, I deferred to him and said yes, let's wait the 45 days. But, I'm having trouble doing it. I just keep wondering: are we stupid? is the writing on the wall? are we just delaying the inevitable? will we just be 45 more days behind? and will we miss getting a kid in '09 if we wait b/c the courts close for the rainy season in a few months? OMG will we have to redo our fingerprints and deal with NVC and the drama of the missing paperwork again if we drag this out past oct when it expires again? Compound that with: how emotionally connected are we to who we think is Addison? why are we so connected? he's not really ours, is he? is the next addison not a legitimate orphan too? does he deserve a home any less than who we've matched with? what will happen with Addison if we give up on him and get a different kid instead? wouldn't he be adopted by another loving family if he becomes adoptable? And there, my friends, you have a recipe for mental torture like no guerilla terrorist can impose. And you have a recipe for wanting to beat the shit out of the 17-year-old trailor trash that you see in the Toys R Us chatting about her pregnancy with friends over a cigarette.

The answer is that there are no answers. No scenario is good. No scenario is the "magic solution." So then we just weigh the options, like switching lanes in traffic, hoping the other lane moves faster, but then realizing you're an ass for not just staying in the lane you were in to start with. That's how i feel. Like one road may be slower, but it will result in a son...while the other road could move fast, or it could move slow, or it could just entirely dead end and you realize you have to go back and drive down the other road anyway. The latter is starting to feel less and less appealing as I miss sleep, start give up hope (on the courts, not Addison), and consult with Radames and friends.

Today, we got to the point, out of personal desparation, that I called our agency and asked about the ramifications of getting a new referral. Toni acted surprised that we'd be at this point and said she has every hope that Addison will be ours soon, and that "the courts are just proving a point" (that they won't tolerate "irregularities"). She and the program's director seem to think this will be over soon and that they will go to court to petition for the 10 families' cases to be heard. But they can't petition yet, b/c the courts won't allow them to...and that it's only been 11 days...and that if we "give up" our referral and request another one, Addison would be assigned to someone else and then be adopted by them when his case is heard, she suspects. She said she really didn't know, because nothing like this has ever happened before, and that she had to talk to her boss about it. And then I got an email inviting us to a group conf call for the 10 families tomorrow so they can talk to us about what's next. I'm really glad they are doing that, b/c we all really need it. Maybe tomorrow I'll be more level-headed, but we'll probably be right back where we've been. In indefinite pergatory, rotting, stewing, second guessing.

So, there you have it. Meat and potatoes: several non-abandoned kids being put before the courts as abandoned kids, the courts saying hold up we've gotta get to the bottom of this, our agency assuring us that those issues have nothing to do with our kids who are all legit, us having no idea when the courts will finish their investigation and re-schedule our cases, no idea of any timeframes or milestones, and us...well, me...being a basket case along the way. I wish I had more to say. I wish I had more upbeat news.

I will just say, though, that i know i have the best friends and husband and most amazing daughter on the planet. And that we are dealing with a top-rate agency that has a great relationship with the courts and is doing what they realistically can to be our advocates in a less-than-ideal situation. And I know that my over-analyzing things is not productive in any way. Every day I'm working on reminding myself of all of those things. And today I realized (thanks, MF) that I really need to focus on my own emotional and physical well-being and not what others may think or say. I probably need to avoid the co-miserating with the other 9 families on line, per Radames' request 10 days ago! :) And i need to stop wondering about the external ramifications about doing what is best for our family. And i need to not be so paranoid about sharing. By the way, if you are a Smarty Pants client friend, have no fear. You have no idea how great of a job I'll be doing on your business. Intellectual challenges are my best friends these days. :) Ha! See.

Thanks again, everyone, for all of the support and wishes. We love you and can't wait to pass along some better news.

Is It Over Yet?

Today was the first day I've woken up in years that as soon as I opened my eyes I just wanted the day to be done. I wanted nothing more than to fall back asleep and never wake up. Radames and I looked at each other and knew...and the pit in the bottom of my stomach and the tears that wanted to roll out of my eyes were still there. Still so exceptionally heartbroken and confused and zombie-like. So dispassionate about the day and life and so full of questions. Why didn't the pain go away in our sleep last night like we were sure it would?! Damnit, why do we still feel like this? Why is all of this happening? Maybe it's what's right? Maybe Addison really isn't abandoned? Maybe the courts know something we don't? Maybe we'll get a call on Tuesday that the case is back on? Maybe it's not supposed to ever be back on? What IS his backstory? Why would his mother have abandoned him? Why didn't she relingquish home so they know her identity and he can still be adopted? What happens if we wait for months? Do we get matched with another kid? Would he still be our little Addison? Why are we so attached to a kid that's a million miles away and we've never even met? Why was he chosen for us? Why are we being so selfish? Why did another load of Restoration Hardware and Pottery Barn boxes just arrive at our doorstep...just to rub salt on our wounds? Why are we not focused on Ella right? How must the other families who don't have an Ella feel right now? How quickly could we fly there and just kidnap him? What's the worst they could do to us? If we went to jail would it just feel like what Addison is destinited to feel like anyway? Was his mother bribed? Was she scared of being identified because she shamefully had him out of wedlock? What if, heaven forbid, he was taken from her? Will we ever know? Why are ours brains going there? Shouldn't we just relax and have faith that the local courts know what their doing? Why do I insist on solving everything? Why is my heart still so broken even after I've been fed and had my nap and been changed? Maybe I'm the one who needs to be adopted!? Maybe this is because we need to experience loss so that we can know how Addison felt when he was separated from his mom and how he'll feel when he has to leave all his friends and family at House of Hope? What are we going to do? Damnit! Make the pain go away!!!!

The Darkest of Days

Today we got word that Addison's case was not heard and that they have no idea when and if it will be because the judge decided to not hear any more cases involving abandoned kids in Addis Ababa orphanages b/c another agency presented suspicious abandonment cases to the courts earlier in the week. We have no more info, are beyond sad and exhausted, and aren't feeling very optimistic. We'll write more later, once we know more and have the energy. For now... no Addison and no trip as planned. We wait and maybe we...who knows...

How Suite It Is!

We are so excited! Not only did we get to see video of Addison today, but we also got together enough points to book ourselves in a suite at the Sheraton Addis, which is a luxury resort in the first place. We are SO stoked, bc we'll have a big room and separate living room area and free breakfast, etc. This is a huge deal, bc I'm not-so-secretly having a panic attack every time I think of being in a strange place feeling powerless - literally powerless, as in electricity, in this case. I know that's so incredibly bratty and ridiculous, but I'm not embarrassed to say that I feel a lot more comfortable knowing we won't be holed up in a box with six giant suitcases, a new baby, a roll away crib, no mini-fridge with bottled water, trying to figure out what formula to use and how we can call Ella. And instead of wandering around the streets wondering where we can safely eat, we can take a swim in the pool and order a lunch in the executive lounge. Yes, I'm being obnoxious, I know! But I think this place might be as nice as where we spent our honeymoon! It's $950/night US$, if would would have had to pay cash for it! We might never leave the room. :)

A huge shout out and thanks to Barbara Z, Sara Beth H, Alison B, Michael D, Pam G for the starwood points! You will be the first to get a thank you card from Addison in his best 7-mo-old crayon scribble. :)

We've Been Crying All Day

We have been in a state of happiness and tears all day here. Today we got to see our little boy live and in full color stereo. A woman who we met through an online group of people adopting in Ethiopia, Angela Carley, went over there to adopt a child herself and was able to video Addison while she was there. She e-mailed us the clips this morning and we have not been able to stop watching them. He is so beautiful. There is one clip of him just sleeping and he looks like an absolute angel. Another one has him laughing and smiling at the camera. Wynne and myself can't stop looking at it. It's as if he's smiling right at us. Thank you so much for doing this for us, Angela. You dont know how much this means to us and how it made our day.

Before he was just a picture and a little boy that was over there somewhere. But after seeing those videos, he became so real. It's as if we can reach through the screen and touch him. Ella came home from karate today and we showed her the videos. As soon as she saw them, she started waving at the screen and talking to him. The smile and tears on Wynne's face could not be erased as Ella was doing this. If all goes well and with God's blessing, he should legally become ours on Friday. We can't wait for us to embark on this amazing trip to bring our son home. And if all goes according to plan, I should be able to hold my son on May 25th which also happens to be my birthday. I can't think of a better gift for a human being to recieve on their birthday. Addison, we're almost there, son.......

It's Starting to Become Real

It's all starting to become quite real! Now that all of our paperwork is there, we got to focus this weekend on the fact we will actually have a son soon. Friday is the big day! If all goes as planned, we'll be the proud new absentee parents of little Addison. Woo Hoo!

We updated our packing list today and started packing his suitcase full of all the little goodies we've bought and gotten from friends. We've got 80 gDiaper inserts and his new little gDiaper pants crammed in along side swimming diapers, cereal, baby food, bowl, spoons, formula, bottles, socks, outfits, blankets, butt cream, hats, wipes, etc. I'm so proud of us for being meticulous, space saving packers. :)

We're also doing a really good job with Ella. We spent this morning listening to her cry about how she's scared that we won't love her anymore once Addison comes. It was important for us to listen and validate her and be totally honest with her about how things will change while reassuring her that we could never love her an ounce less.

We are planning a big luau for her birthday less than a week before we leave, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I really just don't want her 5th bday to get swept under the rug in the pre-departure melee. She's so amazing, and we are so in love with her. I don't want to ever forget her 5th bday. There are over 100 people coming to our house! But by the end of the day today, she decided that she didn't want any presents, but instead just wanted to save up her money (and any spare change her friends might want to donate to her) and buy Addison a welcome home gift. I'm so glad. The gift giving stuff is just too much...and how much more could she really need? This process is really reminding us what matters and what doesn't, and we haven't even made the trek across the planet yet.

Great News!

The embasssy in Ethiopia FINALLY has all of our final visa and fingerprint info that the USCIS and NVC have been saying they've sent but no one in ET could track down! That's it! We are finally complete in terms of everything we can provide/do to make the process complete. Barring something unforeseen that is out of our hands, in ONE WEEK from today, Addison will go to court with our agency rep and legally be ours! It's so hard to believe, but yep...on May 8th is the big day, and today is already May 1st! Woo Hoo! Shout outs to the Immigrant Visa Chief in Addis Ababa. :)

Our last day at Smarty Pants will be two weeks from today. Then we'll have the week to pack up, get our lives together, do things like map out our travel plans and buy all the things we don't even know we need...and then hop aboard Ethiopian Air. We leave on the 23rd if all goes as planned. Cross your fingers for us. We are SO happy today!