August 5th, 2009, little Eyob X from Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, became our little Addison Miles Tyree-Rodriguez! Woo hoo!!
[Insert so many f- bombs and other explicatives here!]
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Cheesy Midnight Poetry
‘Twas the night before court
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
Ella’s tucked in,
So are Radames and I.
We all just lay thinking
About our new little guy.
Will he or won’t he,
Get to be ours?
Soon we will know,
It’s just a matter of hours.
We want him so bad,
And this time it feels right.
Just one more set of dreams,
Just one more long night.
The silence is thick,
As we wonder and guess,
Hoping the judge in Ethiopia
Soon would say yes.
She’ll bang her gavel
And say, “It was destined to be!”
Or maybe she won’t.
We’ll just have to see.
We’ve all come so far,
Just a little bit more….
Please just let us all wake up
And be a family of four.
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
Ella’s tucked in,
So are Radames and I.
We all just lay thinking
About our new little guy.
Will he or won’t he,
Get to be ours?
Soon we will know,
It’s just a matter of hours.
We want him so bad,
And this time it feels right.
Just one more set of dreams,
Just one more long night.
The silence is thick,
As we wonder and guess,
Hoping the judge in Ethiopia
Soon would say yes.
She’ll bang her gavel
And say, “It was destined to be!”
Or maybe she won’t.
We’ll just have to see.
We’ve all come so far,
Just a little bit more….
Please just let us all wake up
And be a family of four.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Could Someone PLEASE tell Ella...
...to stop talking into my belly button and saying, "Addison, it's time for you to come out, Buddy!!!???" "You'll be here soon, Addison...", she likes to say as she pats my stomach and sides and backside! Today she was totally cracking me up as she kept tapping on my belly and said, "It's okay, Addison, we're gonna get you outta there soon....it's okay, baby" in the sweetest little sing-song voice ever. :)
I've told her 1,000 times that he's not coming out of my belly, but I think her 5-year-old brain and my not-so-flat stomach beg to differ.
I've told her 1,000 times that he's not coming out of my belly, but I think her 5-year-old brain and my not-so-flat stomach beg to differ.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Wish Us Luck on August 5th
The big day is approaching soon. August 5th is our court date, and we are feeling optimistic about it. Ella's school is out that day for a teacher in-service, so we are taking that as a sign tha it will be our designated celebration day. :)
If all go as planned we'll leave the last weekend of August and our embassy/exit appointment is Sept. 3rd. So it looks like we'll be spending our anniversary in Ethiopia. Who would have guessed that eight years ago when we got married!? Life sure is full of crazy twists and turns.
This weekend was my birthday. Yikes! Am I really 37!!? How did that happen? It was nice and low-key, but a great opportunity to reflect. Radames got me a hot stone massage at the local spa, and then we went swimming with Ella and went out to a great dinner, and then washed it down with cookie cake from the Great Americn Cookie Co. My fav! :) And for my presents, the Smarty Pants girls bought me a Flip Video! So exciting! It's exactly what I wanted to take to Ethiopia for all of the video-worthy moments. And Radames and Ella got me an amazing, best-in-class Nikon camera like I'm a photojournalist for National Geographic! Again, totally for Ethiopia and the great moments in our lives that are already here and will be more to come. I can't wait to lug that giant zoom lens around the planet. :)
Net, net: my life rocks! I'm so very fortunate to have an amazing hubby and daughter...and at the end of the day, we have everything we could ever want. We REALLY want to add little Addison to our lives, though. We REALLY hope he gets to make it here. He's the perfect final piece to our funny family puzzle. Wish us luck on the 5th!
If all go as planned we'll leave the last weekend of August and our embassy/exit appointment is Sept. 3rd. So it looks like we'll be spending our anniversary in Ethiopia. Who would have guessed that eight years ago when we got married!? Life sure is full of crazy twists and turns.
This weekend was my birthday. Yikes! Am I really 37!!? How did that happen? It was nice and low-key, but a great opportunity to reflect. Radames got me a hot stone massage at the local spa, and then we went swimming with Ella and went out to a great dinner, and then washed it down with cookie cake from the Great Americn Cookie Co. My fav! :) And for my presents, the Smarty Pants girls bought me a Flip Video! So exciting! It's exactly what I wanted to take to Ethiopia for all of the video-worthy moments. And Radames and Ella got me an amazing, best-in-class Nikon camera like I'm a photojournalist for National Geographic! Again, totally for Ethiopia and the great moments in our lives that are already here and will be more to come. I can't wait to lug that giant zoom lens around the planet. :)
Net, net: my life rocks! I'm so very fortunate to have an amazing hubby and daughter...and at the end of the day, we have everything we could ever want. We REALLY want to add little Addison to our lives, though. We REALLY hope he gets to make it here. He's the perfect final piece to our funny family puzzle. Wish us luck on the 5th!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
STILL Waiting
Earlier this week when I was out in LA, we got yet another email from our agency that said that: "I spoke with our Ethiopia rep today regarding your adoption case and the judge has issued a new court date for your case to be heard and approved. The new court date is August 5th. That would give you a visa appointment date of September 3rd. I know that this is very discouraging but since the MOWA is out, all adoption cases had to be rescheduled until after their return, if documentation was still needed from the MOWA in order for an adoption to be approved."
My immediate thought was to reply with a "WHATEVER! Just give us our baby already!"...accompanied by some sort of electronic middle finger. Needless to say, I didn't do that. But I sure wanted to. I know it has nothing to do with our agency, but the on-going delays, drama, emails re: futher postponements, etc. is just so beyond frustrating and ridiculous. Our hearts have become so bitter about the whole process that, honestly, nothing is going to make that go away until we have landed in Addis Ababa and have him in our arms. Or better yet, when we are airborn on the return flight. It just feels so hopeless and like a cruel trick at this point.
On a happier note, b/c we can't dwell on what we can't control...I discovered Little Ethiopia while in LA. I ate a huge Ethiopian lunch by myself in the nicest restaurant there and got to ham it up with the owners about making the trek. The food was AMAZING! I was so surprised. I wasn't expecting to like it, but I couldn't stop eating. I had the vegetarian lunch buffet AND the meat sampler entree. All of was delicious. It was kind of like great Indian food - spicy and so full of flavor, minus the curry. I got "reprimanded" for eating with a fork and told to get ready to just eat with my hands. I loved the injera (like Indian nan - a sourdough flatbread with little bubbles in it like a sponge - almost looks like when a crepe started to bubble on one side while you cook it). The injera serves at the "bowl" for almost everything, so it was hard to not keep eating. Bread is my friend. :) I also bought a little Amharic phrasebook in a gift shop, along with a kiddy DVD that is Amharic with English sub-titles.
So, today was learn Amharic day in our house. We had such a fun time letting Ella teach us Amharic, b/c of course SHE had to be in charge of all translations (even though she can't even read English!). Radames enjoyed laughing at my Southern botchery of unfamiliar vowel sounds. And we all listened along as two giraffe taught each other life lessons in a completely unintelligible language on our new DVD. Ella kept saying, "Tonight for my bedtime story, let me read you a book in Addison's language...I'll teach you." Then she forced me to listen to her say, "Okay, mommy, now how do you say shirt?" Then I'd say, "i don't know." She'd make up a word and say, "It's na-wah!" (like I wasn't supposed to know that and like that was really the word for shirt). Then she'd say, "now how do you say pillow?"...don't know..."it's pa-wah!" then cat was sha-wah. (Lather. Rinse. Repeat until you want to put a bullet in your head and/or can't stop laughing at her. :)
She's heading back for her second week of kindergarten this week. She loves it, and all she can talk about is the cafeteria. She's completely obsessed with the cafeteria. It's all she think about. She keeps begging us to let her have breakfast there like all the other "lucky" kids who get to eat a biscuit and jelly before the bell rings. I shit you not. No matter what question we ask her about school, the answer is always related to the cafeteria and how they have chicken nuggets AND chocolate milk AND applesource there... AND you get to pick your own food. She just can't wrap her head around it. So adorable. :)
Hopefully we'll have some adoption news soon. Thanks for all of your continued support and sweet wishes for us. This kid better get here already! :)
My immediate thought was to reply with a "WHATEVER! Just give us our baby already!"...accompanied by some sort of electronic middle finger. Needless to say, I didn't do that. But I sure wanted to. I know it has nothing to do with our agency, but the on-going delays, drama, emails re: futher postponements, etc. is just so beyond frustrating and ridiculous. Our hearts have become so bitter about the whole process that, honestly, nothing is going to make that go away until we have landed in Addis Ababa and have him in our arms. Or better yet, when we are airborn on the return flight. It just feels so hopeless and like a cruel trick at this point.
On a happier note, b/c we can't dwell on what we can't control...I discovered Little Ethiopia while in LA. I ate a huge Ethiopian lunch by myself in the nicest restaurant there and got to ham it up with the owners about making the trek. The food was AMAZING! I was so surprised. I wasn't expecting to like it, but I couldn't stop eating. I had the vegetarian lunch buffet AND the meat sampler entree. All of was delicious. It was kind of like great Indian food - spicy and so full of flavor, minus the curry. I got "reprimanded" for eating with a fork and told to get ready to just eat with my hands. I loved the injera (like Indian nan - a sourdough flatbread with little bubbles in it like a sponge - almost looks like when a crepe started to bubble on one side while you cook it). The injera serves at the "bowl" for almost everything, so it was hard to not keep eating. Bread is my friend. :) I also bought a little Amharic phrasebook in a gift shop, along with a kiddy DVD that is Amharic with English sub-titles.
So, today was learn Amharic day in our house. We had such a fun time letting Ella teach us Amharic, b/c of course SHE had to be in charge of all translations (even though she can't even read English!). Radames enjoyed laughing at my Southern botchery of unfamiliar vowel sounds. And we all listened along as two giraffe taught each other life lessons in a completely unintelligible language on our new DVD. Ella kept saying, "Tonight for my bedtime story, let me read you a book in Addison's language...I'll teach you." Then she forced me to listen to her say, "Okay, mommy, now how do you say shirt?" Then I'd say, "i don't know." She'd make up a word and say, "It's na-wah!" (like I wasn't supposed to know that and like that was really the word for shirt). Then she'd say, "now how do you say pillow?"...don't know..."it's pa-wah!" then cat was sha-wah. (Lather. Rinse. Repeat until you want to put a bullet in your head and/or can't stop laughing at her. :)
She's heading back for her second week of kindergarten this week. She loves it, and all she can talk about is the cafeteria. She's completely obsessed with the cafeteria. It's all she think about. She keeps begging us to let her have breakfast there like all the other "lucky" kids who get to eat a biscuit and jelly before the bell rings. I shit you not. No matter what question we ask her about school, the answer is always related to the cafeteria and how they have chicken nuggets AND chocolate milk AND applesource there... AND you get to pick your own food. She just can't wrap her head around it. So adorable. :)
Hopefully we'll have some adoption news soon. Thanks for all of your continued support and sweet wishes for us. This kid better get here already! :)
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Some Great News!
So today we got a call from our agency that included the following info (and some reminders of things we already knew):
- The investigation is over
- Everything was found to be free and clear
- The courts are agressively putting all of our cases back on the docket as soon as possible
- WE WERE GIVEN A NEW COURT DATE OF JULY 20TH!! Yes, 2009. :)
The Ministry of Women's Affairs that has to prep a letter for the courts, but is unfortunately on a post-investigation training break until the 24th of July. The courts have asked them to get the letter done anyway so that we can complete our case on the 20th!
If our case is heard on the 20th as planned, we can have an Embassy appointment date of either August 6th or more likely August 20th, which means we'd leave around the 15th of August! Woo hoo!
Just let this all be true...and let it all come together. It would be great to bring Addison home before his 16th birthday already! :)
- The investigation is over
- Everything was found to be free and clear
- The courts are agressively putting all of our cases back on the docket as soon as possible
- WE WERE GIVEN A NEW COURT DATE OF JULY 20TH!! Yes, 2009. :)
The Ministry of Women's Affairs that has to prep a letter for the courts, but is unfortunately on a post-investigation training break until the 24th of July. The courts have asked them to get the letter done anyway so that we can complete our case on the 20th!
If our case is heard on the 20th as planned, we can have an Embassy appointment date of either August 6th or more likely August 20th, which means we'd leave around the 15th of August! Woo hoo!
Just let this all be true...and let it all come together. It would be great to bring Addison home before his 16th birthday already! :)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
The Ridiculous Saga Continues
Well, here we are...two years and almost four months into the process and still no Addison. Just the most ridiculous run-around ever. Today we were told that the ban has been officially lifted and that the courts will now give out new court dates. We are supposed to hear about our new court date tomorrow. That's great news. My brain tells me that we are supposed to be excited, but my heart just can't muster the energy. Mainly because we also got word today that the Ministry of Women's Affairs in Ethiopia (that handles all of the pre- and post-court paperwork related to adoptions) will now be closed for two weeks while they do a post-investigation/new protocol training. So, basically nothing can happen even if there were a new court date. They are supposed to be done with their training on the 24th of July, but the courts close soon after that for the rainy season, so the odds that we'll get a court date any time soon (that actually happens) is slim to none. It's just so frustrating and exhausting, and it's hard to not just become cold-hearted about the whole thing. The process has just been so disheartening and so beyond insane that there's just really nothing to say. Hence the time since we've blogged last. Sorry about that. The details are just so stupid that who cares. Just give us our damn kid already.
When we step back and look at the big picture, it really is beyond insane. There are about 4 million orphans in Ethiopia, most of whom are orphaned because their parents are either dead or dying or there is literally not enough food to feed them. And here we are 7,000+ miles away, amazing, happy people who want nothing more than to bring one of those orphans into our lives and love him to death... and spend our lives trying to fill the void that we can't imagine he must feel and will always know. And then there's a government that is understaffed, disorganized, and not necessarily excited about international adoption as an alternative for their country that first didn't hear our case, then put a ban on our case along with hundreds of others, then conducted an investigation, then completed the investigation, then announced that there was no foul play, then said our agency would hear soon...day after day after day after day!...and then said come back tomorrow once again and maybe we'll tell you what we'll do, and then decided to shut down their paperwork agency for two weeks, then decided to go on rainy season vacation, etc. etc. etc. while thousands of kids sit in orphanages and in transition homes while their prospective parents thousands of miles away cry themselves to sleep every night, night after night, angry and bitter and confused and sad one minute, hopeful the next. It's torture - on both ends. And no matter how much we rationalize it or try not to rationalize it...no matter how optimistic we try to be, it doesn't change the fact that Addison is being held prisoner along with thousands of other babies caught up in this nonsense while families sit and wait for "the call" to come in any minute, week after week after week. It's just too much. Too long. Too incredible. Was it Lord Byron who said the truth is stranger than fiction? So true. No one could even make this up.
When we step back and look at the big picture, it really is beyond insane. There are about 4 million orphans in Ethiopia, most of whom are orphaned because their parents are either dead or dying or there is literally not enough food to feed them. And here we are 7,000+ miles away, amazing, happy people who want nothing more than to bring one of those orphans into our lives and love him to death... and spend our lives trying to fill the void that we can't imagine he must feel and will always know. And then there's a government that is understaffed, disorganized, and not necessarily excited about international adoption as an alternative for their country that first didn't hear our case, then put a ban on our case along with hundreds of others, then conducted an investigation, then completed the investigation, then announced that there was no foul play, then said our agency would hear soon...day after day after day after day!...and then said come back tomorrow once again and maybe we'll tell you what we'll do, and then decided to shut down their paperwork agency for two weeks, then decided to go on rainy season vacation, etc. etc. etc. while thousands of kids sit in orphanages and in transition homes while their prospective parents thousands of miles away cry themselves to sleep every night, night after night, angry and bitter and confused and sad one minute, hopeful the next. It's torture - on both ends. And no matter how much we rationalize it or try not to rationalize it...no matter how optimistic we try to be, it doesn't change the fact that Addison is being held prisoner along with thousands of other babies caught up in this nonsense while families sit and wait for "the call" to come in any minute, week after week after week. It's just too much. Too long. Too incredible. Was it Lord Byron who said the truth is stranger than fiction? So true. No one could even make this up.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
New Pix
Today we got two new pictures of Addison. OMG!!!! He is SO friggin' adorable I can't stand it! We almost didn't recognize him because he is so grown. He's 8 1/2 months old now and 19 1/2 lbs. They're definitely feeding him over there. We can't wait to show the pix! You'll die. He's such a little munchin. I wanna eat him!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
No Foul Play
According to our program director who is in Addis Ababa now, the investigation is over and there was no foul play. That's great news! We are supposed to hear some time this week how they will handle our case, so hopefully we'll be back on the docket soon. That would be great, since it's been 6 weeks of ridiculousness at this point.
We've been doing well though. Summer is keeping us busy and distracted and Radames' "let it work itself out" mantra has effectively rubbed off on me as we try to soak out every minute of summer with Ella before she starts school in less than a month! Yikes!
Hope you like the new blog skin. Here's a new pic of Addison's nursery, too.
We've been doing well though. Summer is keeping us busy and distracted and Radames' "let it work itself out" mantra has effectively rubbed off on me as we try to soak out every minute of summer with Ella before she starts school in less than a month! Yikes!
Hope you like the new blog skin. Here's a new pic of Addison's nursery, too.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
The Investigation is Over
Well, the good news is that the Ethiopian investigation is officially now over. The bad news is that the powers that be haven't formally announced the results or their decision on what will happen next. We all assume that will happen in the next week or so, though, b/c the agencies have decided to go to the courts and officially request a lift on the ban even if there is no official announcement in the next few days. All in all, that's great news, b/c it means that there's progress. And progress is our friend these days. :)
We've also been reading rumors that the courts will stay open through Aug and Sept rather than closing down for the rainy season, which is usually what happens each year on Aug 1. That would be awesome, b/c it would mean that we'd have a better chance of getting our rescheduled case heard, if (fingers crossed) we get put back on the docket soon. Everyone cross your fingers and toes for us that we'll hear good news soon and that we'll get a new court date!
We've been doing pretty well these days, all said and done. We've been busy with work, tee-ball and tae kwon do, summer parties/get togethers with Ella's little freinds, traveling, bringing in new biz, etc. As sick and twisted as it sounds, it's getting easier each day, b/c we are getting more and more removed from it. It was such a blow at first, but now we're just chugging along and living life and enjoying summer and confident that it will happen, just not on the schedule we planned for. Ella starts school in a month, so maybe it's a blessing that we are just getting to eak out her last month of "freedom" with her. Goodness knows our whole lives are getting ready to change because of that, so maybe it's supposed to be that Addison's not here yet. Just trying to be optimistic.
Oh, and how could i forget!? Addison turned 8 months old today. :) Wish we could have spent it with him. :) But...the riper the berry, the sweeter the juice...and I don't mean that in a sexual way. HA!
We've also been reading rumors that the courts will stay open through Aug and Sept rather than closing down for the rainy season, which is usually what happens each year on Aug 1. That would be awesome, b/c it would mean that we'd have a better chance of getting our rescheduled case heard, if (fingers crossed) we get put back on the docket soon. Everyone cross your fingers and toes for us that we'll hear good news soon and that we'll get a new court date!
We've been doing pretty well these days, all said and done. We've been busy with work, tee-ball and tae kwon do, summer parties/get togethers with Ella's little freinds, traveling, bringing in new biz, etc. As sick and twisted as it sounds, it's getting easier each day, b/c we are getting more and more removed from it. It was such a blow at first, but now we're just chugging along and living life and enjoying summer and confident that it will happen, just not on the schedule we planned for. Ella starts school in a month, so maybe it's a blessing that we are just getting to eak out her last month of "freedom" with her. Goodness knows our whole lives are getting ready to change because of that, so maybe it's supposed to be that Addison's not here yet. Just trying to be optimistic.
Oh, and how could i forget!? Addison turned 8 months old today. :) Wish we could have spent it with him. :) But...the riper the berry, the sweeter the juice...and I don't mean that in a sexual way. HA!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
What a week! But at least we're in NYC!
Ah, what a week. Another emotianally-charged, beyond-exhausting week. Today marks the 4th week that we got word that our court case was delayed, and, unfortunately, there's still no resolution. We did hear today from our program director that our in-country rep heard directly from the courts today (while he was there with other cases) that the investigation had been completed. But when asked what was discovered, he was told "go find out for yourself." Lovely. They didn't give him any answers as to when the cases would be put on the docket or what their decision moving forward would be. But the good news is that the investigation appears to be over. Things are progressing along well. The bad news is that we still have no idea what that means in general or for us. It's also bad news that we saw on an info blog today that the orphanage Addison is from is one of the five that are still under investigation and/or are still waiting. Again, lovely (insert sarcastic tone here). We have no idea if that's actually true, b/c the blogosphere is a giant cluster-f-ck of bad and half information, but it still didn't feel so great.
Honestly, it's just been such an emotionally draining week on the adoption front. The main reason was that our adoption counselor, whom we love dearly, was fired. (PS. That has nothing to do with Addison or our actual adoption.) Radames and I were devastated. And pissed off! The fact that we and other families are going through so much right now, and then to rip the one person we had a strong, supportive relationship with away from us at the most inopportune time ever was so infuriating. I honestly almost threw up when Radames told. And he, being mr. calm and cool throughout this whole process, was livid. He just kept yelling, "this is so f--ed up...I'm totally writing a letter of complaint about the woman who fired her...how dare they...why are we all being punishd because she was too close to us..." Let's just say Wed night was not a good night. Our confidence level in the whole process was at 0%! And logically we know that her leaving will have no impact on us bringing our son home, but emotionally it had a huge impact. And it was just one more thing that just felt so damn screwed up about this whole process. I just kept saying to Radames, "I'm totally starting IVF again as soon as we get home. I could have had three babies by this point! Nothing could be worse than this." And I meant it.
It's still so hard to believe that Toni's gone, but today was a bit better, thanks to Meredith talking me off the ledge. (Thanks, Mer!) I totally wanted to email our agency and just blast the shit out of them. But I knew that wouldn't do any good. Honestly, I could care less if I ever hear from any of them again at this point. Just some one tell us when we can go pick up our damn son! It's so beyond ridiculous at this point. I could really care less about their updates and niceties at this point. Everytime we start to heal a bit, they come along and rub some salt in our wounds, so why engage.
Okay, so I'll stop being bitter now. (Well, at least "out loud" on our blog.) The good thing that has happened this week is: we are spending the week together as a family in NYC. It's so nice to be back here. We are hanging out with old friends, having great lunches and dinners and getting to do fun things. I'm still working like a dog, which has meant like 4 hours of sleep every night, but I'm doing everything I can to cram some social life in around the work hours. We just desperately needed to get out of TN and get back here. Not that there's anything wrong with TN, of course, but it's just good to sit around and have dinner chat with our ny friends that we never have to watch our tongues with, understand the same jokes, make fun of the same things, chat about work life, etc. It's so emotionally relaxing to us to get face time with people we only get to connect with electronically these days. Ella's had a blast seeing her "Brooklyn friends" and cousins and we've loved being in the city.
And we've loved seeing brown faces. (Those of you who know us well know what we mean.) It's just important for us (and Ella!) to not live in a bubble, especially at this time in our lives. Today Ella got her hair braided by Jordan's nanny, which for some strange reason, made me really happy. She's gotten to be around all of her Dominican cousins and hear her grandma speak Spanish all week. And tonight we were at Mike and Heather's house and I was holding their youngest son, Phoenix, who is about 3 weeks younger than Addison, and it was just nice to have him in my arms. He's so adorable, and, personally, I just needed to smell a baby and see big brown eyes staring up at me. For a minute, I got to have hope again. And I got to see Ella playing with Ryan (their 3-year-old) again and it just felt right. It's important...for reasons that I don't need to explain.
Tonight, Radames is still out DJ'ing with Mike, and I couldn't be happier. He needs to be at a club at 2:00am. I know this city gives him his fuel, and I love to see him happy and "at home". Yesterday, we walked by a hat store on the lower east side, and it turned out that my friend Monika from Nickelodeon that we were meeting for dinner was friends with the owners, and next thing you know, Radames was trying on crazy handmade fedoras that only he could pull off. He told the guy to custom make him one made out of some...well, basically a burlap sack type of material. He gave the guy $300 and told him to text him when it was done. If it weren't this week, I would have been like, "what the hell are you doing?", but, honestly, if the stupid hat cost $1000 I would have been happy to have him buy it. These are the quirky NYC things that make him happy. And he deserves a dumb hat for so so many reasons.
Tomorrow we are taking Ella to see Pinkalious the play (based on the book). She and her cousin Noemi are so doggone excited. I know it'll be fun. And then we're doing a Belmont party out on Long Island. Radames will have SO much fun with "his boys" there. I love seeing him with them. Ella and I will probably leave to go see other friends that live on LI, but I'm looking forward to another fun day as a family.
I know it'll get better. It has to. Goodness knows there's no where to go but up on this roller coaster. I was brave enough to look at Addison's video and pic again tonight when I was showing them to Heather. It had been a while since I'd looked at them. Mostly out of need to preserve my own sanity and to start to disconnect a bit...just in case. It was nice to "see" him again. :) I really hope he gets to be ours after all. I want to believe he was meant to be ours and that there's a reason for all of this.
Honestly, it's just been such an emotionally draining week on the adoption front. The main reason was that our adoption counselor, whom we love dearly, was fired. (PS. That has nothing to do with Addison or our actual adoption.) Radames and I were devastated. And pissed off! The fact that we and other families are going through so much right now, and then to rip the one person we had a strong, supportive relationship with away from us at the most inopportune time ever was so infuriating. I honestly almost threw up when Radames told. And he, being mr. calm and cool throughout this whole process, was livid. He just kept yelling, "this is so f--ed up...I'm totally writing a letter of complaint about the woman who fired her...how dare they...why are we all being punishd because she was too close to us..." Let's just say Wed night was not a good night. Our confidence level in the whole process was at 0%! And logically we know that her leaving will have no impact on us bringing our son home, but emotionally it had a huge impact. And it was just one more thing that just felt so damn screwed up about this whole process. I just kept saying to Radames, "I'm totally starting IVF again as soon as we get home. I could have had three babies by this point! Nothing could be worse than this." And I meant it.
It's still so hard to believe that Toni's gone, but today was a bit better, thanks to Meredith talking me off the ledge. (Thanks, Mer!) I totally wanted to email our agency and just blast the shit out of them. But I knew that wouldn't do any good. Honestly, I could care less if I ever hear from any of them again at this point. Just some one tell us when we can go pick up our damn son! It's so beyond ridiculous at this point. I could really care less about their updates and niceties at this point. Everytime we start to heal a bit, they come along and rub some salt in our wounds, so why engage.
Okay, so I'll stop being bitter now. (Well, at least "out loud" on our blog.) The good thing that has happened this week is: we are spending the week together as a family in NYC. It's so nice to be back here. We are hanging out with old friends, having great lunches and dinners and getting to do fun things. I'm still working like a dog, which has meant like 4 hours of sleep every night, but I'm doing everything I can to cram some social life in around the work hours. We just desperately needed to get out of TN and get back here. Not that there's anything wrong with TN, of course, but it's just good to sit around and have dinner chat with our ny friends that we never have to watch our tongues with, understand the same jokes, make fun of the same things, chat about work life, etc. It's so emotionally relaxing to us to get face time with people we only get to connect with electronically these days. Ella's had a blast seeing her "Brooklyn friends" and cousins and we've loved being in the city.
And we've loved seeing brown faces. (Those of you who know us well know what we mean.) It's just important for us (and Ella!) to not live in a bubble, especially at this time in our lives. Today Ella got her hair braided by Jordan's nanny, which for some strange reason, made me really happy. She's gotten to be around all of her Dominican cousins and hear her grandma speak Spanish all week. And tonight we were at Mike and Heather's house and I was holding their youngest son, Phoenix, who is about 3 weeks younger than Addison, and it was just nice to have him in my arms. He's so adorable, and, personally, I just needed to smell a baby and see big brown eyes staring up at me. For a minute, I got to have hope again. And I got to see Ella playing with Ryan (their 3-year-old) again and it just felt right. It's important...for reasons that I don't need to explain.
Tonight, Radames is still out DJ'ing with Mike, and I couldn't be happier. He needs to be at a club at 2:00am. I know this city gives him his fuel, and I love to see him happy and "at home". Yesterday, we walked by a hat store on the lower east side, and it turned out that my friend Monika from Nickelodeon that we were meeting for dinner was friends with the owners, and next thing you know, Radames was trying on crazy handmade fedoras that only he could pull off. He told the guy to custom make him one made out of some...well, basically a burlap sack type of material. He gave the guy $300 and told him to text him when it was done. If it weren't this week, I would have been like, "what the hell are you doing?", but, honestly, if the stupid hat cost $1000 I would have been happy to have him buy it. These are the quirky NYC things that make him happy. And he deserves a dumb hat for so so many reasons.
Tomorrow we are taking Ella to see Pinkalious the play (based on the book). She and her cousin Noemi are so doggone excited. I know it'll be fun. And then we're doing a Belmont party out on Long Island. Radames will have SO much fun with "his boys" there. I love seeing him with them. Ella and I will probably leave to go see other friends that live on LI, but I'm looking forward to another fun day as a family.
I know it'll get better. It has to. Goodness knows there's no where to go but up on this roller coaster. I was brave enough to look at Addison's video and pic again tonight when I was showing them to Heather. It had been a while since I'd looked at them. Mostly out of need to preserve my own sanity and to start to disconnect a bit...just in case. It was nice to "see" him again. :) I really hope he gets to be ours after all. I want to believe he was meant to be ours and that there's a reason for all of this.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
A Really Nice Weekend
I'm happy to report that we had a really great weekend as a family. Given where we've been, I was really worried about this long weekend. I was worried about not working and how we'd feel having to occupy ourselves for 3-4 days. Terrance's family was away and there were no baseball or t-ball games or karate, so I was pretty scared. And because most of our friends are still in NY/CT/NJ, our social life in TN is pretty...well, shall we say, "under-developed". :) In the midst of all of this adoption drama, the quiet time that we used to enjoy is not exactly our friend anymore.
So, on Friday I resolved that I was not going to let this continue to drag me down. Knowing that it's out of our hands, I really just have to let it go and work itself out in the time that it needs to be worked out. I decided that I was going to just grab life by the horns and soak every second of togetherness I could out of the time we have left before Ella starts school. She'll be starting a year-round school on July 14th (YIKES!), and I'm determined to not look back and wonder why I wasted May and June stewing about the unknown rather than reveling in our last summer as a pre-real-school family. And this could be our last summer with her as an only child, so I am determined to make the most of it.
So, poor Radames has been busier than ever as we've had the most action-packed weekend ever. On Friday night we went to see Angels and Demons while Ella played Legos with Ganna. On Saturday morning we went to our first party at Chuck E Cheese. Good times. (insert sarcasm.) The party was at 10am on a Saturday morning, which is definitely an asleep time for our family. Radames was desperate for his morning coffee. Instead, we were eating pizza and chicken wings and watching Ella eat bday cake when she should have been eating oatmeal. (PS. The food there sucks!) The place was pretty dead, b/c everyone was away for the weekend, but I can see why that place is a parent's nightmare. When Chuck E (sp?) came out, all the kids started to scream bloody murder, and I could not help but wonder why one guy from another party kept wandering around searching the machines for extra tickets. Jeez. Are you that desperate for a plastic snake or glittery bouncy ball!? Ella and all of her little friends had a wonderful time though. She thought it was the biggest deal ever. She got to ride a fake horse, dance in front of a green screen, play air hockey, squirt water through a clown's mouth, and ride a chair lifting "ride". It was worth every second.
When we left Radames insisted we go to IHOP for breakfast! He refused to eat at CEC, so he'd been starving for like 3 hours. After a stack of pancakes, we came home to take a well-deserved, carb-induced nap. The other kids in the neighborhood were going to "the club" (short for the country club) to go swimming. Jealous and bewildered, Ella sat in the driveway and cried and asked why her mommy and daddy won't take her to "the club"...at which point I knew it was nap time.
After our naps, we went to a funny Battle of the Pigs event at the local state fairgrounds. Ah, the redneck eye-candy. So many people to make fun of, so little time. :) By the time we got there the "pig" (aka the barbeque) part was over, but Ella got to jump on those dirty blow up "houses" and slides for hours, so she couldn't have been any happier (or more covered in sweat). I watched as the lower-class parents either smoked a cigarette next to their kids or shared a Mt. Dew with them while the upper-class parents over-affirmed their children with "great slide", "ooh, good one", "that's great, honey" every time their kid went down the friggin' slide. Radames tried "hot boiled peanuts" for the first time, which we learned was code word for deep-fried, scalding-hot, soggy, soft peanuts in a plastic bag that shoot hot oil into your mouth when you try to "crunch" through the shell into the mushy peanuts. (He stunk like grease for like 6 hours!) We sat and listened to a cover band in an ampitheatre, Ella and Radames danced to the old song, My Girl, and Radames got to chat it up with some fellow little league coaches that he bumped into there. And Ella got a balloon princess made by a clown that I'm pretty sure I saw on an episode of Law and Order SVU. She thought it was the greatest thing ever.
We then went to eat some sushi at our favorite upscale get-away in town. Ella performed her typical there's-no-music-playing-but-i-think-i-see-a-space-i-could-turn-into-a-dancefloor dance for all of the couples on romantic dates and then she hammed it up with her friend the sushi chef. (Yes, our child is the 5-year-old mayor of our town. Or she's a genius who realizes she can use her cuteness to get free imitation crab sticks.) The sushi chef came over and asked Radames and me if we wanted to come over to his house to come swimming with Ella some time. Ella screamed out "yes!" and Radames and I sat and tried to figure out what the guy was saying as he tried to give us directions to his house in his broken english. Only us! We then made our way to a Red Box and decided to rent the movie W. We ended the night rolling our eyes at our former president and thanking the stars for Obama. (Sorry, GOP friends. We still love you.)
Sunday we read the Times and decided we'd take a Sunday drive to Roan Mountain after our friend who was supposed to take us on a boat ride told us that rain was in store. We packed up our day-trip bags and headed for what turned out to be yet one more stop on our white trash weekend train ride. :) We wound up a mountain for like an hour, not knowing what we were looking for...only to discover...a mountain. Yep, there you go, my friends. What a surprise. A mountain. Complete with a playground, a campground, some hiking trails, a gift shop and a public pool. A state park for all the delapodated trailors we saw as we drove up the mountain. Not sure what we were expecting, but that's about it. We had a Subway sandwich and chips picnic with ourselves and commenced to paying our $4 entry fee to the pool. Ella had the time of her life, and I enjoyed watching her and Radames play fight in the water. The surroundings were actually really beautiful. It was a place where the clouds literally touch the tops of the mountains and it's hard to see where the mountains end and the sky begins. I needed the symbolism.
We then drove back to town and went to see the Hannah Montana movie together. Okay, confession: I totally loved. Ella and I danced in our aisle together. (There were only three other people in the theatre, so who cares.) We had a great time. And double confession: Radames was totally laughing the whole time and diggin' it, too. Don't let him tell you otherwise.
Radames was up until like 3am on Sun night getting his "set" ready for a dj-ing gig he had at the local elementary school on Monday morning at 8am! Yes indeed, I'm married to the DJ of the Woodland Elementary 2009 Field Day. Step off, ladies. He was running on fumes as he lugged his vinyl records to his dj booth (aka a tent on the playground). He must have played the cha cha slide like 50 times for the kids who kept requesting completely inappropriate songs like Boom Boom Pow Pow that their 22-year-old moms and dads evidently listen to with them at night. He watched as the teachers shook their groove things to 80's classics like 8-6-7-5-3-0-9. I was busy being an anthropologist and scopin' out ella's upcoming schoolmates...and making nice with the principal...who knows me only as "the dj's wife." That cracks me up. I think they all think that we live off of Radames' dj-ing money (mind you he's never charged anyone a penny. he just does it because he loves music).
Ella also had her preschool "placement test" on Monday while we were at the school. I think she passed with flying colors, but what do I know. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry when the reading teacher/test administrator was asking her to name body parts that she pointed to, draw a square and show her how to hold a pencil. (Don't you learn these things when you're like 3?) Let go, Wynne!
We ended the night with a trip back up a different mountain to go to bbq at the lake. Some local friends who have a lake house invited us out for Mem Day. Radames got to drink a few beers, make man chat (in other words tell exaggerated stories), watch crunchy college kids smoke weed and pitch bean bags into a hole in a wooden box while I got to play nice with the overly-tanned cougars that were on the holiday prowl. It was really fun to get away though. We finished up the night with a trip to Fun Expedition - the local indoor family amusement park. Ella met up with her friend Myles there and we got to ride bumper cards and play a $1 version of Let's Make a Deal enough times to win enough points to "buy" Ella some Floam. Good times!
The real end to the night was the three of us celebrating Radames' birthday in the basement. Yep, Rico is the big 3-9 now! I can't even believe that! There's no way he could be 39! He got an awesome Diaper Dude bag from his sister, along with some really cute stuff for him and Addison (like a t-shirt for him that says Big Guy and an identical one for Addison that says Little Guy). His mom bought him socks and underwear like all good mothers should. :) Ella and I got him a Mets onesie and bib for Addison, some t-shirts and the Big City Sliders grill. You know, that thing from the infomercial that lets you make 5 mini-burgers at a time! He'll never use it, but he swears he'll be able to replicate a White Castle with it. :) It was a wonderful birthday. In classic Radames spirit he just kept saying, "I don't want anything. All I want is right here. Nothing else matters." And he really means it. He is such an amazing human being. Thank you, ma Rodriguez, for pushing him out 39 years ago! The world is such a better place because he's here.
Today was Ella's graduation from pre-school. It was held in Pigeon Forge, also known as the Hillbilly Riviera. The Vegas of the South. We went to Wonder Works museum, which was a really cool hands-on "museum" and then we went to Mr. Gatti's, which is another Chuck E Cheese / Fun Expedition place. Ella had an amazing time with all of her friends, and we won so many tickets (with Ganna!) that Ella was able to get a mock Dr. Suess hat, a pink recorder, two plastic rings, a pink cowboy hat with a tiara on it and butterfly sticker! Now that, my friends, is the high life. :) She was ecstatic, though. We got to hang out for hours together and just have a good ol' time. And then we rented a seedy hotel room so we could use their pool! Yep, we got the $40 hotel room that came complete with relaxing pool with a cool water slide and mushroom waterfall... and a room to shower off the chlorine. We spent all afternoon there watching some toothless people make-out (no joking!) and catching ella as she went down the slide like 5,000 times! We went to a nice dinner and drove back home. It was a great day. Maybe we weren't supposed to be in Ethiopia this week for a reason. :)
So, on Friday I resolved that I was not going to let this continue to drag me down. Knowing that it's out of our hands, I really just have to let it go and work itself out in the time that it needs to be worked out. I decided that I was going to just grab life by the horns and soak every second of togetherness I could out of the time we have left before Ella starts school. She'll be starting a year-round school on July 14th (YIKES!), and I'm determined to not look back and wonder why I wasted May and June stewing about the unknown rather than reveling in our last summer as a pre-real-school family. And this could be our last summer with her as an only child, so I am determined to make the most of it.
So, poor Radames has been busier than ever as we've had the most action-packed weekend ever. On Friday night we went to see Angels and Demons while Ella played Legos with Ganna. On Saturday morning we went to our first party at Chuck E Cheese. Good times. (insert sarcasm.) The party was at 10am on a Saturday morning, which is definitely an asleep time for our family. Radames was desperate for his morning coffee. Instead, we were eating pizza and chicken wings and watching Ella eat bday cake when she should have been eating oatmeal. (PS. The food there sucks!) The place was pretty dead, b/c everyone was away for the weekend, but I can see why that place is a parent's nightmare. When Chuck E (sp?) came out, all the kids started to scream bloody murder, and I could not help but wonder why one guy from another party kept wandering around searching the machines for extra tickets. Jeez. Are you that desperate for a plastic snake or glittery bouncy ball!? Ella and all of her little friends had a wonderful time though. She thought it was the biggest deal ever. She got to ride a fake horse, dance in front of a green screen, play air hockey, squirt water through a clown's mouth, and ride a chair lifting "ride". It was worth every second.
When we left Radames insisted we go to IHOP for breakfast! He refused to eat at CEC, so he'd been starving for like 3 hours. After a stack of pancakes, we came home to take a well-deserved, carb-induced nap. The other kids in the neighborhood were going to "the club" (short for the country club) to go swimming. Jealous and bewildered, Ella sat in the driveway and cried and asked why her mommy and daddy won't take her to "the club"...at which point I knew it was nap time.
After our naps, we went to a funny Battle of the Pigs event at the local state fairgrounds. Ah, the redneck eye-candy. So many people to make fun of, so little time. :) By the time we got there the "pig" (aka the barbeque) part was over, but Ella got to jump on those dirty blow up "houses" and slides for hours, so she couldn't have been any happier (or more covered in sweat). I watched as the lower-class parents either smoked a cigarette next to their kids or shared a Mt. Dew with them while the upper-class parents over-affirmed their children with "great slide", "ooh, good one", "that's great, honey" every time their kid went down the friggin' slide. Radames tried "hot boiled peanuts" for the first time, which we learned was code word for deep-fried, scalding-hot, soggy, soft peanuts in a plastic bag that shoot hot oil into your mouth when you try to "crunch" through the shell into the mushy peanuts. (He stunk like grease for like 6 hours!) We sat and listened to a cover band in an ampitheatre, Ella and Radames danced to the old song, My Girl, and Radames got to chat it up with some fellow little league coaches that he bumped into there. And Ella got a balloon princess made by a clown that I'm pretty sure I saw on an episode of Law and Order SVU. She thought it was the greatest thing ever.
We then went to eat some sushi at our favorite upscale get-away in town. Ella performed her typical there's-no-music-playing-but-i-think-i-see-a-space-i-could-turn-into-a-dancefloor dance for all of the couples on romantic dates and then she hammed it up with her friend the sushi chef. (Yes, our child is the 5-year-old mayor of our town. Or she's a genius who realizes she can use her cuteness to get free imitation crab sticks.) The sushi chef came over and asked Radames and me if we wanted to come over to his house to come swimming with Ella some time. Ella screamed out "yes!" and Radames and I sat and tried to figure out what the guy was saying as he tried to give us directions to his house in his broken english. Only us! We then made our way to a Red Box and decided to rent the movie W. We ended the night rolling our eyes at our former president and thanking the stars for Obama. (Sorry, GOP friends. We still love you.)
Sunday we read the Times and decided we'd take a Sunday drive to Roan Mountain after our friend who was supposed to take us on a boat ride told us that rain was in store. We packed up our day-trip bags and headed for what turned out to be yet one more stop on our white trash weekend train ride. :) We wound up a mountain for like an hour, not knowing what we were looking for...only to discover...a mountain. Yep, there you go, my friends. What a surprise. A mountain. Complete with a playground, a campground, some hiking trails, a gift shop and a public pool. A state park for all the delapodated trailors we saw as we drove up the mountain. Not sure what we were expecting, but that's about it. We had a Subway sandwich and chips picnic with ourselves and commenced to paying our $4 entry fee to the pool. Ella had the time of her life, and I enjoyed watching her and Radames play fight in the water. The surroundings were actually really beautiful. It was a place where the clouds literally touch the tops of the mountains and it's hard to see where the mountains end and the sky begins. I needed the symbolism.
We then drove back to town and went to see the Hannah Montana movie together. Okay, confession: I totally loved. Ella and I danced in our aisle together. (There were only three other people in the theatre, so who cares.) We had a great time. And double confession: Radames was totally laughing the whole time and diggin' it, too. Don't let him tell you otherwise.
Radames was up until like 3am on Sun night getting his "set" ready for a dj-ing gig he had at the local elementary school on Monday morning at 8am! Yes indeed, I'm married to the DJ of the Woodland Elementary 2009 Field Day. Step off, ladies. He was running on fumes as he lugged his vinyl records to his dj booth (aka a tent on the playground). He must have played the cha cha slide like 50 times for the kids who kept requesting completely inappropriate songs like Boom Boom Pow Pow that their 22-year-old moms and dads evidently listen to with them at night. He watched as the teachers shook their groove things to 80's classics like 8-6-7-5-3-0-9. I was busy being an anthropologist and scopin' out ella's upcoming schoolmates...and making nice with the principal...who knows me only as "the dj's wife." That cracks me up. I think they all think that we live off of Radames' dj-ing money (mind you he's never charged anyone a penny. he just does it because he loves music).
Ella also had her preschool "placement test" on Monday while we were at the school. I think she passed with flying colors, but what do I know. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry when the reading teacher/test administrator was asking her to name body parts that she pointed to, draw a square and show her how to hold a pencil. (Don't you learn these things when you're like 3?) Let go, Wynne!
We ended the night with a trip back up a different mountain to go to bbq at the lake. Some local friends who have a lake house invited us out for Mem Day. Radames got to drink a few beers, make man chat (in other words tell exaggerated stories), watch crunchy college kids smoke weed and pitch bean bags into a hole in a wooden box while I got to play nice with the overly-tanned cougars that were on the holiday prowl. It was really fun to get away though. We finished up the night with a trip to Fun Expedition - the local indoor family amusement park. Ella met up with her friend Myles there and we got to ride bumper cards and play a $1 version of Let's Make a Deal enough times to win enough points to "buy" Ella some Floam. Good times!
The real end to the night was the three of us celebrating Radames' birthday in the basement. Yep, Rico is the big 3-9 now! I can't even believe that! There's no way he could be 39! He got an awesome Diaper Dude bag from his sister, along with some really cute stuff for him and Addison (like a t-shirt for him that says Big Guy and an identical one for Addison that says Little Guy). His mom bought him socks and underwear like all good mothers should. :) Ella and I got him a Mets onesie and bib for Addison, some t-shirts and the Big City Sliders grill. You know, that thing from the infomercial that lets you make 5 mini-burgers at a time! He'll never use it, but he swears he'll be able to replicate a White Castle with it. :) It was a wonderful birthday. In classic Radames spirit he just kept saying, "I don't want anything. All I want is right here. Nothing else matters." And he really means it. He is such an amazing human being. Thank you, ma Rodriguez, for pushing him out 39 years ago! The world is such a better place because he's here.
Today was Ella's graduation from pre-school. It was held in Pigeon Forge, also known as the Hillbilly Riviera. The Vegas of the South. We went to Wonder Works museum, which was a really cool hands-on "museum" and then we went to Mr. Gatti's, which is another Chuck E Cheese / Fun Expedition place. Ella had an amazing time with all of her friends, and we won so many tickets (with Ganna!) that Ella was able to get a mock Dr. Suess hat, a pink recorder, two plastic rings, a pink cowboy hat with a tiara on it and butterfly sticker! Now that, my friends, is the high life. :) She was ecstatic, though. We got to hang out for hours together and just have a good ol' time. And then we rented a seedy hotel room so we could use their pool! Yep, we got the $40 hotel room that came complete with relaxing pool with a cool water slide and mushroom waterfall... and a room to shower off the chlorine. We spent all afternoon there watching some toothless people make-out (no joking!) and catching ella as she went down the slide like 5,000 times! We went to a nice dinner and drove back home. It was a great day. Maybe we weren't supposed to be in Ethiopia this week for a reason. :)
Friday, May 22, 2009
Feeling Better
The past couple of days have been better. Thank goodness. I think it was a combination of: 1) the skeletons-in-the-closet, but quite cathartic blog posting that I finally brought myself to do a few days ago, 2) the fact that Ella's birthday was yesterday and it was impossible to not be smitten with her all day, 3) a good conf call our agency had with us on Wed about hanging tight and staying optimistic, 4) a rumor that yesterday the court ban was lifted on one of the orphanages which means progress is being made, 5) officially cancelling our air and hotel reservations this week which was devastating at the time but also cleansing to a certain degree bc being in limbo is worse than just cancelling and rebooking, and 6) the fact that a sunny long weekend is in store.
Ella's birthday was amazing, and we are so proud of her. She's such an amazing little girl, now 5, and now complete with one missing tooth! We had a full-scale blowout for her on Sunday and then yesterday (her real b-day), we went to her school where we pretended to be parents of the year by reading to the class (well, actually Ella read while she sat on my lap and Radames played photographer), organizing a treasure hunt for gold coins that you would have thought were real, setting up a sack race, and bringing in cupcakes. It was s lot of fun. She also lost her tooth during lunch. Either she ate it or I ate it as I polished off her school chicken patty. Yikes! It was no where to be found after her plate was clean!
On Monday, she has her "placement test" for kindergarten. That's code word around these parts for checking to see how much of an idiot your kid is so that all the bobos don't get placed with the same teacher who wants to kill herself before the year is over. They want to evenly distribute the geniuses and problem children. :) Hopefully, Ella will be part of the former group.
On the adoption front, we have no real news. It's officially been two weeks now, and all we know is that the investigation (not into our specific cases) is still going on, they are anticipating it won't drag out for "that long", and that all we have to do is hang tight and let it be. That's been hard for me, as you know, but Radames is doing pretty well these days. He's rubbing off on me now, though. I'm getting to be more at peace with the situation...and hopefully we'll just look back one day and say, "oh yeah, remember that little blip in the process we had that time..." The reality is that there's nothing I can do and we'll get him when he's ready. I've gotta stop thinking about the coulda, woulda, shoulda, and just enjoy all the blessings that are right under my nose.
Thank you, again, everyone for all of your sweet wishes and email and cards. You have NO idea how much they've meant as we've waded through our darkest hours. We love you guys!
Ella's birthday was amazing, and we are so proud of her. She's such an amazing little girl, now 5, and now complete with one missing tooth! We had a full-scale blowout for her on Sunday and then yesterday (her real b-day), we went to her school where we pretended to be parents of the year by reading to the class (well, actually Ella read while she sat on my lap and Radames played photographer), organizing a treasure hunt for gold coins that you would have thought were real, setting up a sack race, and bringing in cupcakes. It was s lot of fun. She also lost her tooth during lunch. Either she ate it or I ate it as I polished off her school chicken patty. Yikes! It was no where to be found after her plate was clean!
On Monday, she has her "placement test" for kindergarten. That's code word around these parts for checking to see how much of an idiot your kid is so that all the bobos don't get placed with the same teacher who wants to kill herself before the year is over. They want to evenly distribute the geniuses and problem children. :) Hopefully, Ella will be part of the former group.
On the adoption front, we have no real news. It's officially been two weeks now, and all we know is that the investigation (not into our specific cases) is still going on, they are anticipating it won't drag out for "that long", and that all we have to do is hang tight and let it be. That's been hard for me, as you know, but Radames is doing pretty well these days. He's rubbing off on me now, though. I'm getting to be more at peace with the situation...and hopefully we'll just look back one day and say, "oh yeah, remember that little blip in the process we had that time..." The reality is that there's nothing I can do and we'll get him when he's ready. I've gotta stop thinking about the coulda, woulda, shoulda, and just enjoy all the blessings that are right under my nose.
Thank you, again, everyone for all of your sweet wishes and email and cards. You have NO idea how much they've meant as we've waded through our darkest hours. We love you guys!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Opening Pandora's Box
Well, where do I begin? I guess the first place is with our sincerest thanks to all of you who have emailed, called, sent cards, and just been there for us over the past 12 days. On the 8th when we got the news that our case wouldn't be heard until further notice b/c of questions of corruption, we were devastated. So many of you reached out to us with positive vibes, prayers, and wishes. Honestly, we just can't thank all of you enough for being there for us, even from thousands of miles away. I haven't had the energy or words to respond to all of you, because, quite frankly, I've been totally self-absorbed, depressed and wordless. I'm sorry for that.
I'm also sorry that neither of us has blogged. Again, there's just been nothing to say. I haven't had the energy to type, and I haven't been able to figure out what value it would be to share where we are, emotionally. At the time we started the blog, we were excited to bring people into our "adventure", because we knew it would have a happy ending..and who wouldn't want to be a part of that? But the past 12 days have been less than an adventure. And I've wondered...who would want to read about a cancer growing? Who would want to read about a car crash happening in slow motion? Who would want to be dragged down by our depression? So, we've just been quiet.
The quietness hasn't been good for me, though. And I think I need to write to just let some of it pour out. At first I didn't want to write because I didn't want to drag any of you down. Now I think I need to, because I desperately need to let some things out. I've been trying to "protect" our blog so that Addison can one day inherit it as part of his life story...of how we waited for him, how we felt along the way. And I realize now that all this pain that we are feeling is just as much a part of his life story as the fun of packing up cute little Brooklyn t-shirts into our travel bags. And I'm also realizing that trying to pretend to be strong is pretty self destructive. For every tear that I fight back, it's another hour that I can't fall asleep at night. For every paragraph that I write in my head but am too proud to share with myself or Addison or even Radames, the more I want the morning to turn into night so I never have to get out of bed.
Honestly, things just haven't been good around here. Saturday the 9th was probably one of the longest days of my life. I can barely remember how I spent the day, but I know it was a combination of staring at the clock and wanting to slam it against the wall because the second hand wasn't moving fast enough to make it turn into Sunday. I remember just staring at Radames a lot and, without words, just knowing that I knew what he felt and that he knew what I felt. I remember being in the shower and wanting to just sit down and let the water wash the sadness off of my skin. But I couldn't, because I didn't want Ella to come in...and I didn't want Radames to think I was weak or impatient.
And then Sunday rolled around, and it was Mother's Day. Ella and Radames woke me up with flowers and...honestly, it's just a blur. I know that I was chipper in front of Ella and so thankful that she is in our lives. I didn't want her to know I was sad and mad and confused and resentful and a wreck. She kept saying, "It's a beautiful day outside, Mommy," and it was. When I finally walked outside and felt the sun beating down, I picked her up and held her and said, "Addison's going to come home right, honey?"...so weak that I needed the comforting of a 4-year-old...and she said, "Yes, he is, mommy, he'll be here soon" as she patted her little hand against my back like a mother would her child. I wept in her ear like a baby as she looked at me bewildered and said, "Can we go to Daniel's (her cousin) now?" She had no idea what was going on, and she still doesn't, but her 10 seconds of reassurance meant the world to me.
I felt like I needed to be alone so I told Radames and Ella I'd meet them at Daniel's. I went for a ride on my scooter and waited for the 50-mile-an-hour winds to blow the sadness off of me. I drove around to I-don't-know-where, just watching the minutes tick by on the little clock on my Vespa, with tears dripping down my face as I could barely see the road. It felt good, though, because no one could see me...and after an hour or so, I went and celebrated Mother's Day with my mom and Terrance's family and mine. We had fun for a while, and I thought it would be fine, but as all the hooplah of the evening wound down, I found myself alone with my mind...haunting me as I lay there listening to Radames' breathe, searching for answers, wishing so badly that i could turn my mind off and go to sleep.
I decided on Monday that work would be the perfect solution. If I'd just stay busy the days would pass faster, and if i'd run from my emotions well enough, they wouldn't find me. So Monday I decided that I would not think about the unknown, and that i would just throw myself into work. It did help. Monday was busy and I did pretty well. But then the night came again. Damnit. The fucking night. When no phones are ringing, when no emails are coming in, when everyone is asleep but me...as I sit and ask myself 1,000 different ways...what does it mean when Toni (our counselor at CHI) says "hang tight"? what if he isn't abandoned? what if he was sold? what if he was stolen? how must his mom feel? is his case under investigation? why are we being punished for things that have nothing to do with his case? when will someone call us? when will we know something? when will the courts address the issue? why can't they issue a timeframe? why won't they tell us what's next? how long should we wait? is he really meant to be our son? maybe it's not meant to be? maybe it is meant to be? maybe we should fly there and show the courts how nice we are and how much we want him? why can't we have babies the old fashion way? why aren't i thankful that we have ella? why am i wasting energy trying to solve the unsolvable? why am i stealing any minute that i could be enjoying life with ella and radames thinking about a child that we really don't even know yet? why can't i fall asleep? why is my mind playing tricks on me? why aren't those breathing exercises working? maybe if radames would just put his hand on my back i'd be able to fall asleep...and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Until i wonder what separates me from the psychos in the nut house... until i wonder how edgar allen poe and i must be related because the goddamn heartbeat under the floor won't stop fucking haunting me.
I'm also sorry that neither of us has blogged. Again, there's just been nothing to say. I haven't had the energy to type, and I haven't been able to figure out what value it would be to share where we are, emotionally. At the time we started the blog, we were excited to bring people into our "adventure", because we knew it would have a happy ending..and who wouldn't want to be a part of that? But the past 12 days have been less than an adventure. And I've wondered...who would want to read about a cancer growing? Who would want to read about a car crash happening in slow motion? Who would want to be dragged down by our depression? So, we've just been quiet.
The quietness hasn't been good for me, though. And I think I need to write to just let some of it pour out. At first I didn't want to write because I didn't want to drag any of you down. Now I think I need to, because I desperately need to let some things out. I've been trying to "protect" our blog so that Addison can one day inherit it as part of his life story...of how we waited for him, how we felt along the way. And I realize now that all this pain that we are feeling is just as much a part of his life story as the fun of packing up cute little Brooklyn t-shirts into our travel bags. And I'm also realizing that trying to pretend to be strong is pretty self destructive. For every tear that I fight back, it's another hour that I can't fall asleep at night. For every paragraph that I write in my head but am too proud to share with myself or Addison or even Radames, the more I want the morning to turn into night so I never have to get out of bed.
Honestly, things just haven't been good around here. Saturday the 9th was probably one of the longest days of my life. I can barely remember how I spent the day, but I know it was a combination of staring at the clock and wanting to slam it against the wall because the second hand wasn't moving fast enough to make it turn into Sunday. I remember just staring at Radames a lot and, without words, just knowing that I knew what he felt and that he knew what I felt. I remember being in the shower and wanting to just sit down and let the water wash the sadness off of my skin. But I couldn't, because I didn't want Ella to come in...and I didn't want Radames to think I was weak or impatient.
And then Sunday rolled around, and it was Mother's Day. Ella and Radames woke me up with flowers and...honestly, it's just a blur. I know that I was chipper in front of Ella and so thankful that she is in our lives. I didn't want her to know I was sad and mad and confused and resentful and a wreck. She kept saying, "It's a beautiful day outside, Mommy," and it was. When I finally walked outside and felt the sun beating down, I picked her up and held her and said, "Addison's going to come home right, honey?"...so weak that I needed the comforting of a 4-year-old...and she said, "Yes, he is, mommy, he'll be here soon" as she patted her little hand against my back like a mother would her child. I wept in her ear like a baby as she looked at me bewildered and said, "Can we go to Daniel's (her cousin) now?" She had no idea what was going on, and she still doesn't, but her 10 seconds of reassurance meant the world to me.
I felt like I needed to be alone so I told Radames and Ella I'd meet them at Daniel's. I went for a ride on my scooter and waited for the 50-mile-an-hour winds to blow the sadness off of me. I drove around to I-don't-know-where, just watching the minutes tick by on the little clock on my Vespa, with tears dripping down my face as I could barely see the road. It felt good, though, because no one could see me...and after an hour or so, I went and celebrated Mother's Day with my mom and Terrance's family and mine. We had fun for a while, and I thought it would be fine, but as all the hooplah of the evening wound down, I found myself alone with my mind...haunting me as I lay there listening to Radames' breathe, searching for answers, wishing so badly that i could turn my mind off and go to sleep.
I decided on Monday that work would be the perfect solution. If I'd just stay busy the days would pass faster, and if i'd run from my emotions well enough, they wouldn't find me. So Monday I decided that I would not think about the unknown, and that i would just throw myself into work. It did help. Monday was busy and I did pretty well. But then the night came again. Damnit. The fucking night. When no phones are ringing, when no emails are coming in, when everyone is asleep but me...as I sit and ask myself 1,000 different ways...what does it mean when Toni (our counselor at CHI) says "hang tight"? what if he isn't abandoned? what if he was sold? what if he was stolen? how must his mom feel? is his case under investigation? why are we being punished for things that have nothing to do with his case? when will someone call us? when will we know something? when will the courts address the issue? why can't they issue a timeframe? why won't they tell us what's next? how long should we wait? is he really meant to be our son? maybe it's not meant to be? maybe it is meant to be? maybe we should fly there and show the courts how nice we are and how much we want him? why can't we have babies the old fashion way? why aren't i thankful that we have ella? why am i wasting energy trying to solve the unsolvable? why am i stealing any minute that i could be enjoying life with ella and radames thinking about a child that we really don't even know yet? why can't i fall asleep? why is my mind playing tricks on me? why aren't those breathing exercises working? maybe if radames would just put his hand on my back i'd be able to fall asleep...and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. Until i wonder what separates me from the psychos in the nut house... until i wonder how edgar allen poe and i must be related because the goddamn heartbeat under the floor won't stop fucking haunting me.
Pandora's Box Part 2
...I spent Tuesday and Wednesday with Joanna and Sara Beth here, and it really helped. Joanna and I got to talk about work and I got to flex the intellectual side of my brain again. Sara Beth was here to help me plan Ella's 5th birthday gala that I insisted on having before all of this happened, b/c I didn't want that event to not happen because we were busy prepping for our departure. The company was great, and having women around was just the perfect touch. Radames and I are about as connected as two human beings can be, but his brain just works differently than mine, and men just feel things differently than women. Just having the gentle voices around and being able to "dump" without having to edit or worry if i was stressing him out even more was really helpful. I got to be distracted, and those three days went by pretty quickly.
By the time Thursday rolled around, Radames and I went to see a therapist. We originally had it on the books so I could get some "let go and not try to control things" advice as we got ready to ship off to the other side of the planet, not knowing the language, not being able to influence the courts, and being stuck on a plane for 15 hours at a time (my claustrophic nightmare). It turned out that we needed her for a very different reason. We walked in and started to make chit chat about details...and i got more and more fired up as i talked...and shit came pouring out. She interrupted me and said, "Wynne, i'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that you just have a good old fashion cry and give yourself permission to do that while you let radames hold you." My retort was, of course, "no...that's stupid...i'm not a baby...crying isn't going to get us anywhere... i'm not a victim...tears aren't going to solve anything...i don't even want to be touched." and then i just started ranting and raving about how mad i am and how unfair this whole thing is and how fucked up it is that a kid with no parents in a nation with little food can't come be loved by us...after everything we've done...after everything we've created...after all the dues we've paid...after 9 years of trying to get pregnant...after a miscarriage...and 2+ years of waiting on this adoption to come through...after plane tickets are booked, nursery is ready, bags are packed...and goddamnit...what did we do to deserve this!!?? And i just ranted about how much i can't stand Radames right now because he's made peace with God about this...and how i resent his coolness under pressure and how i resent our agency for not emailing us more often to tell us what the hell is going on...and how everyone on this planet can kiss my fat ass, because this f-ing sucks! and it's unfair. and addison doesn't deserve it...and we don't deserve it...and the planet shouldn't work like this...an innocent child and the perfect parents should be able to be together without 15 agencies and invisible procedures getting in the way of someone living out their life in a crib and us feeling unrequited love towards a kid we don't even know. She patiently listened and then told me that my brain was never going to fix something that was really an emotional problem. That what i really needed to do was to let myself feel what i was feeling and to stop trying to make my brain fix it. She validated that the situation is messed up and that there are no answers, and potentially no solution...which meant a lot, but encouraged me to let Radames be there for me and to remember why we are married (b/c we are so perfectly different) and to give myself permission to mourn, to cry, and to stop fighting the inevitable. I hated her by the time we left. But she was right. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can say. There's no proposal or petition I can write. There's no logic that will solve the puzzle. It's a torturous waiting game, and i can either let it consume me or can i keep on living my life and treasure what i've got and be grateful for when that expands, if it does. That's where i'm trying to go. But i'm not there.
By the time Thursday rolled around, Radames and I went to see a therapist. We originally had it on the books so I could get some "let go and not try to control things" advice as we got ready to ship off to the other side of the planet, not knowing the language, not being able to influence the courts, and being stuck on a plane for 15 hours at a time (my claustrophic nightmare). It turned out that we needed her for a very different reason. We walked in and started to make chit chat about details...and i got more and more fired up as i talked...and shit came pouring out. She interrupted me and said, "Wynne, i'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that you just have a good old fashion cry and give yourself permission to do that while you let radames hold you." My retort was, of course, "no...that's stupid...i'm not a baby...crying isn't going to get us anywhere... i'm not a victim...tears aren't going to solve anything...i don't even want to be touched." and then i just started ranting and raving about how mad i am and how unfair this whole thing is and how fucked up it is that a kid with no parents in a nation with little food can't come be loved by us...after everything we've done...after everything we've created...after all the dues we've paid...after 9 years of trying to get pregnant...after a miscarriage...and 2+ years of waiting on this adoption to come through...after plane tickets are booked, nursery is ready, bags are packed...and goddamnit...what did we do to deserve this!!?? And i just ranted about how much i can't stand Radames right now because he's made peace with God about this...and how i resent his coolness under pressure and how i resent our agency for not emailing us more often to tell us what the hell is going on...and how everyone on this planet can kiss my fat ass, because this f-ing sucks! and it's unfair. and addison doesn't deserve it...and we don't deserve it...and the planet shouldn't work like this...an innocent child and the perfect parents should be able to be together without 15 agencies and invisible procedures getting in the way of someone living out their life in a crib and us feeling unrequited love towards a kid we don't even know. She patiently listened and then told me that my brain was never going to fix something that was really an emotional problem. That what i really needed to do was to let myself feel what i was feeling and to stop trying to make my brain fix it. She validated that the situation is messed up and that there are no answers, and potentially no solution...which meant a lot, but encouraged me to let Radames be there for me and to remember why we are married (b/c we are so perfectly different) and to give myself permission to mourn, to cry, and to stop fighting the inevitable. I hated her by the time we left. But she was right. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can say. There's no proposal or petition I can write. There's no logic that will solve the puzzle. It's a torturous waiting game, and i can either let it consume me or can i keep on living my life and treasure what i've got and be grateful for when that expands, if it does. That's where i'm trying to go. But i'm not there.
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